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The Last Time I Had Ice-cream... [Challenge]

It was 'long about midnight
I was lying there in bed
There it was, just out of sight
But I heard it in my head

It was calling from the freezer
It was whispering my name
Saying; "Come and get me Geezer"
I succumbed, to my horror and shame

I filled the bowl with Black Cherry
It is my personal delight
I was ashamed... but not very
No one to see, in the dead of night

Black-cherries and sweet cream
I marveled at its' taste
I fell into a waking dream
I Licked the bowl and avoided waste!

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
I've decided to make all the last lines nine beats instead of ten or whatever. Only one needed another beat to make it. These challenges are fun!
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

great! I fee like this a lot of the time. Been there, done that, done it again - so relatable. As for the 1st and last stanzas, they might be improved with more even meter. I wonder if "It was long (not along) about midnight" would work better. It may just sound more familiar to me. The last line for me stumbles a bit. I would probably try and make all the last lines except for the first stanza 10 beats.

Maybe:
I succumbed to my horror and [my] shame
No one to see [me], in the dead of night
Licked the bowl to avoid the sin of waste

I enjoyed this.

give it a little time to settle and then look at it with fresh eyes. Thanks for the read and critique! ~ Geez.
.

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author comment

You water my eyes sorry mouth
last summer I was driving south
then I heard a sharp shrill voice
have an ice cream I had no choice

kind a sonnety kind
aabb
geez you fill in
cdcd
though sonnet is
ababcdcd efef gg

for the good critique, I am going to let it set overnight and see how it looks in the morning. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

It's one of my weaknesses. I try to resist, the siren-song of it overcomes my sensibilities! I've made a few changes to this post and hope that I've done good. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

is only eight beats long, I wanted nine like the others.~ Geez.
./

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

break not his balls
else they'll keep u behind walls
9 feet tall
none u may then call

But like Poe making a joke at himself. Liked the beginning better than the end, but hey, all races look better at the start than at the finish.

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