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The Dear Deer... [Rhyme Pattern Workshop]
As I sit upon the ground
I watch the fog in field
Not much to see, as I look around
Until the mist begins to yield
Now, I see a herd of hooves
A dozen heads and nibbling lips
I'm very careful not to move
Though there's a pain in my hip
Heads with twitching, swivel ears
Dip to pull the grass
Then back up to disappear
In the fog that dewdrops cast
The sun begins to heat the earth
The grey does slowly fade
My patience is rewarded...worth
The effort that I've made
Now, the deer are staring hard
They're nervous, stamping in the sward
What is that there, in their yard?
It's only me... the silent bard
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Geezer
Sat, 2021-03-13 10:21
Didn't notice...
but managed to find a couple for you. Makes it seven now.
~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Geezer
Sat, 2021-03-13 10:24
Thank you...
I missed that! Fixed it.
~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Geezer
Sat, 2021-03-13 10:45
Thank you...
Glad that you liked it. It was a true experience. I waited until they were all looking directly at me [ they had trouble seeing me]
and then I moved and they raised their little white flags and stampeded away! Funny, how they have trouble seeing anything that doesn't move! ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
scribbler
Sat, 2021-03-13 16:20
I was
once up a huge oak tree about 30' off the ground. About daylight the fog rolled in and I could hear the deer walking around under me eating acorns and blatting at one another. After a while they moved off without my ever seeing them.A very accurate poem
Xavier Sleuth
Wed, 2021-04-21 15:17
Great atmosphere
Loved verses 3 & 4. Really pretty stuff there - the tear-starting kind. Nicely done.
-..- -..- -..- -..- -..- -..-
Xtremely busy Xponentially becoming Xcellently at Xactly _____
Triskelion
Mon, 2021-06-14 01:20
This, I can
appreciate. Although I don't have a critique for it, I believe in credit where credit is due. It is quite a nice poem.
Thomas
.
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...so like my lost dreams...the flood
Geezer
Mon, 2021-06-14 08:21
Thank you...
Reading with fresh eyes, I realize that it needs work. I will let it settle for just a little more, but I am going over some other older things that I haven't looked at in some time. Funny, how time seems to clear the eyes. ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Triskelion
Mon, 2021-06-14 10:16
Agreed
Time does bring fresh focus
Cheers, Geezer
Thomas
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...so like my lost dreams...the flood