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you killed me<3

Submitted by tiannaa on Wed, 2021-02-17 15:23

Shut your eyes and shut them tight.
Try to remember me even if forgotten, try harder.
When you finally remember tell me what you see,
is it a vhs tape playing in your head? When the film's roll in black and white, what's in color? Do you see me, if you don't shut them harder, try harder. Now you do, am I sitting in the same dress that I wore when we first met, sporting the same hairstyle? Cringe at the memories and try to shake them away. or maybe I'm on bedroom floor bloody, raw, and still. Just how you left me the crimson color floods the floor around me, Are you scared? Or are you proud? You finally did it, you finally destroyed me.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
[This option has been removed]
Last few words: 
lol hi
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Geezer

Thu, 2021-02-18 11:20

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a budding horror-writer here! I like where this is going. If you are going to write in paragraphs, [which seems to be a new thing]
Try making your lines pretty much the same length; [as much for looks as anything]. It is a little distracting to have your eyes bouncing back and forth on the page, when you want the reader to be concentrating on the thought and double-spacing helps in that regard. This the way that I would present this piece of work: In quatrains: [Single-spaced]

Shut your eyes and shut them tight
Try to remember me
If you have forgotten
Try harder

When you finally remember
Tell me what you see
Is it a VHS-tape, playing in your head
When the film rolls, is there any color?

Do you see me
If you don't, try harder, try harder
Now you do, am I in the same dress
The one I wore when we first met
Sporting the same hair-style?

Or maybe, I'm on the bedroom floor, bloody, raw and still
Just how you left me
The crimson color flooding the floor around me
Cringe at the memories and shake them away

Are you scared
Or are you proud?
You finally did it
You've destroyed me

[I have taken the liberty of making a few changes in some lines]
You don't have to accept what I've done as a whole.
Decide for yourself, if there is anything that you want to use and how much.

I like your style and hope that I have given you some things to think about.
Join us on Saturday night at 8pm [EST]. for my new chat.
~ Geezer.
.

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c lynn brooks

Thu, 2021-02-18 15:03

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I do agree with Geezer it neatens the piece up and is easier on the reader
try it the way he presented it and I will almost guarantee you will glean more from the reader

Chrys

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