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Even Before There is Rain
Alone on a beach,
a mother and daughter stood,
woefully ignorant as two could.
A wicked storm brews not far off,
without rain the squall, aloft.
The mother’s child was nimble and frail,
through tired, cracked lips she let out a wail.
It was her belief she was built to be broken,
and so the young child left words go unspoken.
The child’s mother was crumbled and bare,
her spirit exploited and left with grey hair.
Dear mother lost all self the day she had labored,
and so every second she vicariously savored.
Hand in hand, there stood the twain,
At last grasping one another’s pain.
The storm grew bitter, now spewing rain.
Even as the storm ripped flesh and hair,
still neither’s truth would ever bare.
Oh what a pity their story will be,
as there sat an umbrella just under their feet.
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
I am very new too this, so I don't doubt I've made a large amount of rookie errors/mistakes, but I really want to learn so I am open to all feedback! Thank you so much for taking the time to read this!
-Mddy
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
Geezer
Thu, 2021-01-21 11:37
Hmmmm...
I had to look up the word [dought].
I understand that you might think that it sounds the same as
[thought], because it looks like it. And if it were used as you have meant it, it would
make perfect sense. But, the actual word is dought[y]; which does mean brave, bold and so-on.
It is pronounced [dowty]. I applaud the use of a dictionary, but caution one
to make sure of the pronunciation. As to the rest of your poem, your rhythm is a bit shaky.
You have a few extra words that you could get rid of.
Example: The mother's child was nimble, but frail
through cracked lips, she let out a wail
She believed she was made to be broken
so the child often left words unspoken.
Of course, these are only suggestions, and it's your work,
you can do what you like. Remember, when you rhyme that too many words
to describe a thought often makes it more difficult to keep an even rhythm.
I like the theme and the title is good. [It made me want to read it]
My suggestion is; that if you want to write poetry, [especially rhyme]
read bags full! You have good instincts and I think if you will apply yourself
you will succeed. Welcome to Neopoet! ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
mddy
Thu, 2021-01-21 14:41
Dear Geezer,
Thank you so much for all of the feedback! When exploring the site last night I read a few of you writings and they are lovely, so getting response from you means a lot!
For the use of the word dought, originally, I think I had meant for it to imply the mother and daughter stood over-bravely or ignorant of the storm, but looking into it further, it's connotations are certainly different and that idea got lost.
The wordiness is definitely do to my inexpiriness and will be something I have to work to overcome.
Thank you so much for the warm welcome, I can't wait to continue to read from and learn from the plethora of talent on this site.
-{Madeline With Love ♥}
author commentGeezer
Thu, 2021-01-21 23:51
Thank you for...
your kind response to my critique and comments. I am touched by your appreciation of my work. I have been on this site for around thirteen - fourteen years and I love Neo. We are very much a family here and do our best to give good advice and critique to anyone who asks. I try to help out the newbies as I was helped by those that have proceeded me. I am fully aware of the impact that one can have on the new-born poet. I write in a variety of styles, but I am primarily a rhymer. I take especial care in helping them out, as it seems that until recently, the tendency was leaning toward free form and I feared that the practice of rhyme was going to be left by the wayside. I like the fact that you are willing to take advice and don't feel like we are putting you down for being inexperienced. I'm not saying that we will make you into the best poet in the land, but if you put
the advice you are given into practice, you will get better. I hope that someday i the future, you will be one of those giving advice, but never thinking that you know it all! I make mistakes in interpretation and if I fail to see where you are going with a work, be sure and let me know. You are always free to do whatever you like with your work and feel free to ignore any person or advice that you are given if it doesn't suit you. With that, I will again wish you a hearty welcome to Neo. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
mddy
Thu, 2021-01-21 14:51
Dear Teddy,
Likewise to Geezer, I have made myself familiar with some of you writings, and they are brilliant, so a response from you means the world.
I will definitely focus on that first line, reading it back it does stick out quite sorely.
Thank you also for you kind words, and title suggestion, I like the idea of a poem simply titled 'rain' it is very simple yet impactful.
Both you and Geezer have been very helpful in your responses!
Thank you again, Can't wait to keep learning!
-{Madeline With Love ♥}
author commentlovedly
Thu, 2021-01-21 17:30
I normally don't comment on USA poets They simply BLACK LIST me
Alone on a beach,
a mother and daughter stood,
Dear mother lost all self the day she had labored,
(and)X so every second was vicariously savored.
Hand in hand, there stood the twain,
At last grasping ( each one's) ( another's)X pain.
The storm grew bitter, spewing rain.
Even as the storm ripped flesh and hair,
still neither’s ???truth would ever bare.
Oh what a pity their story will be,
as there sat an umbrella just under their feet.
The mother’s child was nimble and frail,
You have already said ''a mother and daughter stood,''line one so [the mother's}}appear redundant
just child would do here...
through tired, cracked lips she let out a wail.
(She believed) it was her belief that she was built to be broken,
(and)X so the young child left words go unspoken.
The (child’s)X mother was crumbled and bare,
her spirit exploited and left ''ONLY'' with grey hair.
The mother’s child was nimble and frail,
You have already said ''a mother and daughter stood,''line one so [the mother's}}appear redundant
just child would do here...
IT may read like this...as below
the child was nimble and frail,
through tired, cracked lips she let out a wail.
it was her belief that she was built to be broken,
so the young child left words go unspoken.
The mother was crumbled and bare,
her spirit exploited and left only with grey hair.
and so on ..... you may see please IF IT IS CONFUSING i will delete it just tell me
mddy
Thu, 2021-01-21 22:48
Dear Lovedly,
If I'm correct the (word) X pattern reffers to a word you think is unnecessary. As Geezer pointed out wordiness is definetly a struggle of mine and something I will continue to work on. I understand what you mean by 'mother's child' and 'child's mother' being redudant but in this case, I was using it to stress the importance and dependency they have on the relationship. Also I would never delete this feedback! You took time out of your day and I appreciate it loads!
-{Madeline With Love ♥}
author commentmddy
Thu, 2021-01-21 22:51
Sorry for the double reply!
Okay one part of your critique I am slightly confused on that I just saw now. Are you suggesting a reordering of stanzas? Like in the order you listed them? Because that's not something I'd be completely opposed too I just wanted to check first.
-{Madeline With Love ♥}
author commentlovedly
Thu, 2021-01-21 23:34
no not at all the stanzas are as it is fine
my suggestions you may decline .
I was about to delete my comment ....never mind.... i read well ur mind
JUST for my education
pl read my poem
WORLD ORDER
and say whatever you wish to
I am still learning at 82
rgds to you there is a two generation gap plus more
between me and u
I'm archaic
may be 4 u
Rula
Sat, 2021-01-23 03:55
Dear dmmy
A very warm welcome to Neopoet.
Sorry Í'm late to this very first poem of yours. I am sure you've got a good feedback from everyone else.
I read only some of the comments and believe you did some edits. Yet still I see some lines longer than others re_syllable count, so I'm looking forward to seeing what you are thinking of them.
However, I've to say that the scenes attracted my attention and found some great imagery throughout.
Many great lines but I specially like the last closing stanzas.
Welcome again dear. Looking forward to reading more of
your works.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
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Asche Keegan
Wed, 2021-01-27 01:57
Dear Maddy,
Welcome to NeoPoet! I'm new here too, and I'm just figuring everything out! :)
This is a tragic, but aesthetic poem, and I enjoyed reading it! As others have said, you may consider shortening individual lines to strengthen the flow, but overall you carried your message well! I love your imagery and the way you presented the content. Thanks for sharing this poem! :D
I also am LOVING your positive attitude to CC, and I'm gonna pick up a couple tips from what I've seen you doing so far! :D
..................................................
https://meanderingbackward.blogspot.com
"The true alchemists do not turn lead into gold; they turn the world into words." -William H. Gass