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Death
Because I could not succeed for Death,
it did kindly succeed for me.
Pause to succeed, like Death does.
Pay attention to the agony,
the agony is the cruelest suffering of all.
Does the agony make you shiver?
does it make you want to quiver?
I saw the the excruciating surgical operation of my generation destroyed,
How I mourned the extirpation.
Does the extirpation make you shiver?
does it make you want to quiver?
All that is small is not deadly,
deadliness, by all account is big.
Death.
For why is it so big?
A punishment, however hard it tries,
Will always be a black void.
Down, down, down into the darkness of the punishment,
Roughly it goes - the jaundiced, the cowardly, the dishonorableness.
Because I could not succeed for Death,
it did kindly succeed for me.
Pause to succeed, like Death does.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Geezer
Mon, 2020-11-23 08:17
Hello...
and welcome to Neopoet. The subject you have chosen, is a hard one to write about for some people. I do it all the time, but there are many, that shy away from the topic. I'm not sure that I get the premise of the recurring thought of the pause. Is it that Death is a pause in the circle? Your use of agony three times in the same stanza is a little over the top. I would choose to use it once and then try different words: Pay attention to the agony
. the pain is the cruelest of all
. does the hurt make you shiver?
. does it make you quiver?
The sentence: about the "excruciating surgical operation of my generation destroyed" is too long and I'm not sure that it will make sense to the reader. I would opt for: I saw the operation of my generation destroyed. The word [extirpation] does nothing for the poem, if it makes the reader scurry for the dictionary. Use a more familiar word like: razing, destroyment,
ect... How about deleting at least one [the] in the sentence; "Roughly it goes, the jaundiced, cowardly and dishonorablness"
I hope that I have been at least some help here. Of course, this is your work and you may choose to do something different than I suggest or use any or all. Keep writing, poetry is not something that many can just sit down and write. For most, it is a learning as you go process. I think that you have a good start. ~ Geezer.
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lovedly
Tue, 2020-11-24 11:51
LIFE IS YOUTHFUL
I suggest you as a new poet learning stage one compose poems on beauty life and the seasons then death will be a natural outcome when I hear from you young one
then I may read this one Till then follow GEE
Dandini
Tue, 2020-11-24 19:42
Not very cheery.
Not very cheery.
[This is a duplicate account of Edna Sweetlove and been permanently suspended]
Gracy
Thu, 2020-11-26 15:25
Hi and welcome to Neopoet. I
Hi and welcome to Neopoet. I agree with Geezer in everything he's told you. It's not easy to write about Death, but I'm OK with that. It's the only part in which I don't coincide with Geez.
Your language use is rather too wordy. Needs clipping quite a lot, if you don't mind my saying so. The spacing is also uneven, you have some extra long lines and others very short.
I'll return for another read, if you do at least part of the work Geez has suggested, as well as the little advice I've given you. Gracy
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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury