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Submitted by lou on Sun, 2011-02-13 21:58

  
The Primordial earth is parched 
And scorched by lust
Brittle dreams crushed
Lurching toward disaster .

 Homo Sapiens abandoning       
love and humanity for
The idolatry of  false gods
And adoration of money.
Questionable morality

If you believe the news
Fame at all costs
Fantasists , 
society on the edge.
 
Kids who want maximum gain 
For little or no effort.
Spoiled beyond recognition.

But consider all the good
The love of family
Those who hold out a hand
to the lost in war torn countries
mans capacity for friendship and trust
 Faith in humanity, is the only way        

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

lou

Mon, 2011-02-14 06:43

lou's picture

Thank you, i've taken another look and changed beginnging aswell as the ending.

love lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

Kailashana2

Mon, 2011-02-14 08:32

Sounds a little *preachy* to me. Can you tone that done a bit?

All in all, a worthy effort in looking into the heart of what is the matter.

Thanks Lou.

~A

lou

Mon, 2011-02-14 10:00

lou's picture

You could call it preachy, on the hand you could see as calling it as i see it. I prefer the latter.
i think it's pitched about where i was aiming.

Thanks.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

mand

Mon, 2011-02-14 10:21

mand's picture
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Love this poem, love the structure and honesty.

The Primordial earth is parched
And scorched by lust
Brittle dreams crushed
Lurching toward disaster .

Homo Sapiens abandoning
love and humanity for
The idolatry of false gods
And adoration of money.
Questionable morality

These stanza's are spot on - this is the state of humanity.

The last stanza is positive - there are those who help and have the desire to better things.

You are very caring and sensitive to human nature!

Love Mand xxxxxx

lou

Mon, 2011-02-14 11:27

lou's picture

Thank you, that's very kind of you.

love lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

ziggy

Mon, 2011-02-14 12:06

I know I have seen this somewhere before maybe you sent
it to me at some stage as I remember and really like these
lines ,,,,,,
"The Primordial earth is parched
And scorched by lust
Brittle dreams crushed
Lurching toward disaster .

Homo Sapiens abandoning
love and humanity for
The idolatry of false gods
And adoration of money.
Questionable morality",,,,,,,,,really well worded ,,,,,,,,,,,,zigs

I salute anyone who breaks the rules in the interest of art and great poetry writing just as much as I admire poets who craft meter and verse within the confines of good grammar. Walk the tight rope or jump from it and see if you can fly.

lou

Mon, 2011-02-14 12:41

lou's picture

I wrote a version of this on old Neo, I have updated it by adding the last stanza.

thanks

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

Candlewitch

Wed, 2011-02-16 11:34

Candlewitch's picture
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...and it seems like it just keeps on getting worse. My heart is as heavy as this write. My favorite lines are:

But consider all the good
The love of family
Those who hold out a hand
to the lost in war torn countries
mans capacity for friendship and trust
Faith in humanity, is the only way

I'm glad your poem ends on a note of hope! I have no suggestions.

love, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

lou

Wed, 2011-02-16 14:23

lou's picture

Thank you so much

Love lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

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