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Cold, Orange, Leaves

Slippery, cold, pure, drops of oxygen,
slide down the side of my overly-heated face.
Sizzle. Sizzle.
The sound, the drop of dew, sizzle, sizzle,
as it slides down my oxygen-sucking face.
crackle! snap! pop!
Crackle, crackle, pop.
My black Nike's white "N" logo reflects,
bright, white, light
Ahead, at last, I spot the misty meadow up ahead.
I sprint towards the finish line!
Faster, faster, faster!
Time, non-existent.
Planet, unknown.
Suddenly, I am struck!
Struck like lightening I tell you!
Struck, hit, bamboozled, caught off guard!
A small, furry, brown, fast outline,
of what appears to be a forest creature,
falls out of the maple tree,
knocking me into electricity.
Literally, electricity!
Body, sweat.
Internal organs, cooking.
The creature reveals itself.
A brown cub!
But where...
is mama bear?
Is she looking?
I have no time to think.
I was struck! STRUCK I tell ya!
Now, I see brilliant-yellow stars dangling from the sky
The sky? Is black. No. Blue.
Ahhhh! Can not decide.
Can.
Not.
Decide.
I awaken, next to a gorgeous man.
Drop. Dead. Gorgeous.
Heaven?
Angels?
Electricity, states a voice from above.
Voltage, shock, intensity.
But how?
Where is the cub?
I scream.
I scream!
What cub? Pronounces a voice.
Miss, miss sweet orange Georgia peach!
The angel man announces.
You slipped on the leaves!
The leaves I tell ya!
Snap!
back into reality,
i was.
Next, POW!
ZAP!
SIZZLE!
Lightning,
fried like fish,
like a Caribbean fish, in a dish!
Don't you worry,
although your vision is blurry,
you're perfectly fine.
Fine.
Like a rhyme.
Like a sign.
Like a line?
Please, please,
please,
be MINE?!?
My my my,
will you be my valentine?
was the only thing on my mind.
Only if,
and if only,
if only,
the cold, orange, wet leaves,
stay on the trees
if only if only,
the buzz still comes from the bees,
because honey always makes you sneeze,
if only, if only,
the war is done.
done.
done.
done.
only if you say i do,
do i look like the only one,
for you?
Do I?
I DO!
I DO!
I DO!
in the cold, orange leaves.

Boom!
Soggy, wet, brown,
diapers.
Warm, white, wet,
milk.
Late nights, staying up
have no energy,
in my cup.
Life changes,
rearranges.
Stages.
Ages.
Toddler chases.

To be continued.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I love you.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

that I get from this work, is of surprise! Surprised? I think not. I see this as a chronological poem. One that follows a set of circumstance to a conclusion. I've read it all, though it was rather longish and I feel that the ending is still being written. I get that you never felt that you had control and that your newly awakened passion for "the voice" has taken you on a journey that you didn't expect. Congratulations on your entrance to reality. Love sometimes feels like a bolt of lightning from the sky, believe it or not, this is a journey that will take you on the wildest ride of your life! Now, for the critique!
Although I applaud the originality of your poem, I must tell you that the parameters outlined in the syllabus, state that the poem should be between 12 and 32 lines long. Syllabus, what is that? That is the rules that govern the contest. Please, do finish the poem and let it run to the conclusion. I will be very disappointed if I do not find out the ending! My only complaint is that you feel compelled to write by the rules and use far too many commas and periods. Toss them! Use your punctuation sparingly or not at all in this work. It is permissable and makes it so much easier to read. Look around and read some of the other works here. I think you will see what I mean. ~ Geezer.
.

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A very warm welcome to Neopoet, I love your title, I have read your poem and I quite agree with Geezer who has left some really great thoughts. Maybe you are writing a story? I read to the end... to be continued, honey doesn't make me sneeze flowers do though. You have crammed a lot of imagery in here. I can't wait to hear more.

Thank you...Teddy

I've not read the other reviews as yet however my word you sure can write the intensity in your poem is astounding and the mystery and in intrigue beautiful write and a very wan Neo poet welcome to you I hope to read more of your work

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