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Dear Jane
Your new addiction is infuriating
You never talk to me, even when I know your hurting
How can I help you when you don’t even care
Your not any different than people everywhere
You sit on that phone, that evil device
You check it everyday and never think twice
You chat and post, heart and quote
And always pack a fake travel tote
We used to be such good friends
But with that device we seem to have met our end
You never talk to me face to face
Just blog about food and a time and place
I sit and wait for you to show up
But your still at home with your unreal pup
I hate that phone, those apps and followers
Those people don’t like you, they’re just borrowers
Please just put that stupid phone down
You make me sad, and you look like a clown
Your face filled with make up you never used to wear
You even have golden highlights streaked throughout your hair
I miss my friend that I used to know
The one who smiled and put on a show
She didn’t care what others thought
Now look at all the products that she’s bought
Please come back and don’t make me wait
I never knew I could feel such hate
I miss you Jane, so much it stings
So put down that phone and pack your things
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
I have been entered in an art and writing contest by my school. I have drawn a picture describing the social dilemma going on now and wrote a poem. I really need like a lot of criticism, this contest is for scholastic. It is very important to me. I can get a scholarship and become a well known artist. Please look over it and write back.
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Comments
Viviana Smith
Sun, 2020-10-04 18:42
Scholastic Contest
I have been entered in an art and writing contest by my school. I have drawn a picture describing the social dilemma going on now and wrote a poem. I really need like a lot of criticism, this contest is for scholastic. It is very important to me. I can get a scholarship and become a well known artist. Please look over it and write back.
Kisses,
Vivi
author commentViviana Smith
Mon, 2020-10-05 13:11
A social dilema
it was created for that exact reason. I got the idea watching that film and decided to draw a image of it. Then my art teacher said she liked it and wanted me to write a poem for it. Maybe i should change the title becuase it is the same, but that was the influence behind my poem. Im glad you saw it.
Kisses,
Vivi
author commentGeezer
Mon, 2020-10-05 09:02
I do think...
that maybe you could do better for a title. Maybe something like: "Missing The World" ? I do like your poem. I think that it has great possibilities.
1] This is one of the few times that I think it fine to have that extra [and] in there. It
makes for a better rhythm.
Posting pics of dogs and kids [and] fancy French cuisine.
2] I'm hoping that soon, the day will come when we realize
3] It can do so much more, than show the way you feel
4] It makes the pictures and those likes, seem a bit more real
5] Checking on those apps, can make your pain go away
6] Sometimes when you're looking, you feel your heart will break
7] Everyone has secrets, but they say they're fine
8] They don't want to put it down, put it on the line
9] Delete the lines that say that we have to change our ways and Wally has to come and
save the day. [Lots of people won't know that you're talking about "Where's Wally?"]
I have given you my opinion and comments, it is up to you to use whatever you like and put it all together. I'll come back to see what you have done. ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Viviana Smith
Mon, 2020-10-05 13:14
Wally
The wally line is referring to wall-E from the well known pixar movie. In the movie he has to save the people on the ship because they are so fat and they never get off their devices. I might take that line out, but it got good reviews from my family.
Kisses,
Vivi
author commentGeezer
Mon, 2020-10-05 13:23
LoL...
Joke's on me. Thought I had just deduced something that no-one else had seen. I do think that maybe you could keep it in, if you make some reference to Wall-E; the movie? I don't know. Anyway, use whatever you like from my suggestions and comments, or nothing at all. It is your poem. Good luck and hope you get that scholarship! ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Viviana Smith
Mon, 2020-10-05 13:30
Dear jane
I like the idea of writing a letter to a friend. It doesn't fit my sketch all that well but it does just enough. Thanks for your help and let me know if you like this poem better.
Kisses,
Vivi
author commentGeezer
Mon, 2020-10-05 13:46
Boy...
I feel like you have just changed lanes. You have made another poem, so whatever I wrote isn't relevant now. But, that is okay, I think that you have an equally fine job with this new one. ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.