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Callow Serenade...
The dusk softens your face
Smooths your worried mouth
Puts a smile to your lips
But I'm looking farther south
To the dimple of your chin
My eye rests there at last
Did you think that I meant further?
I wouldn't be that crass
I don't love you for your body
Well, maybe just a bit
But hear my serenade
While you're fondling my wit
The shadows of the hour
Play across your skin so white
I open up your nightdress
It really was so tight
Take my hand and place it so
Upon your lovely breast
My heart is racing faster
It may burst out from my chest
Your scent of perfume rises
Makes the air so sweet
I inhale the smell of love
From between your head and feet
Kisses from red lips
You whisper in my ear
I feel the time is right
You answer; "Put it here"
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
A title change seemed in order due to a comment that said in essence, that it left him cold.
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Geezer
Sat, 2020-08-29 07:29
I'm not sure...
that I see any extra words. Maybe the word [so] is one? I used it to keep the rhythm and to give the reader the precise image of the lady taking part in the seduction, not just a recipient of attention, but an active part. Sort of a [show-me] how you like it. No, not writing a book of serenades, but just something I pondered while watching a young couple in a T.V. movie. They were inexperienced and though passionate, a little awkward. Ahhhh, young love and the "first-time". ~ Geez.
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Geezer
Sat, 2020-08-29 15:31
Of course not...
it is an euphemism for the male...ego. Yeah, uh that's it. He was whispering what he thought to be very witty and original things in her ear. She in turn was fondling his ego, by saying how witty he was. Yeah, that's it! Thanks for the read and comments. Always nice to have the approval of another experienced author. ~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Lavender
Sat, 2020-08-29 11:19
Sexy Serenade
Hi, Geezer,
Wow! I almost feel as if I am intruding into your intimate, sweet, teasing and a bit naughty moment! I have a huge grin on my face, but can't find the words to express exactly why. Love this - love it, love it!
L
Geezer
Sat, 2020-08-29 15:37
Hmmmm...
Maybe because you have the mind to make this a senario that is easy to imagine? Hmmmm? Glad to put a grin on your face; I guess the youngster must have appealed to your inner cougar? LoL
~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
godshouldnthave
Thu, 2020-09-03 16:03
Tongue in Cheeks
I read this aloud in a coy and darkly playful tone.
It felt genuine as an interaction. Something I myself might say. Romance and cheese are close friends.
For me it could have been a conversation between a Honey Bee and a Rose.
Thoughts...
The title is "click bait" and lazy. Might as well have a painting of Fabio holding a damsel. Speaks nothing to the type of "Sexy" or flavor of "Serenade" we are to experience. The feeling I get from this piece and it's overall intention is something about how Sexy Consent really is. It is a dance of teasing leading up to that moment of Consent....which desperately needs to be taught in an obvious manner to the pornographically confused youth.
also
The last line "put it here" feels like an old decrepit porch cowboy saying, "put her there partner" and all of my sexy tingle muscles go limp. But maybe that is perfect. Good sex is all about the build-up ;)
Look forward to combing through more of your work. Thank you for reaching out and letting me know that many a good conversations are yet to be had.
_godshouldnhave
Geezer
Fri, 2020-09-04 09:48
Actually...
this is not about consent; unless you want to say that the youth had to give it. It is really about how a "cougar" allowed herself to be seduced. At the end, she has to tell him "where" to put it; suggesting that he is a virgin. Thanks for your feedback and the promise of future conversation. ~ Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
godshouldnthave
Fri, 2020-09-04 15:03
Coo, coo, ca-choo,
Mrs. Robinson!
Geezer
Fri, 2020-09-04 23:36
There...
you go!
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.