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Jeckyl & Hyde

Submitted by Liberty Rayne on Sat, 2020-08-15 23:12

I feel one with the wind
I feed off the lonliness
The hatred keeps my soul warm
How could I live without my mental illness?
I am multiple different souls
trapped in the same heart
is it just my personality?
Maybe my mind is split into different parts..
One minute I am me
The next I am not
I will never be the me that I used to be
But I think about it so blissfully
So often sometimes that I crave it
Like the old me is a glass of water
And I am so, so, thirsty.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Adrien Brook

Sun, 2020-08-16 00:19

Wow!!!
This is really fascinating! I assume you have DID!
I'm sorry for your struggles... You've depicted it really well here.

One piece of advice I have is that the end sort of loses its flow a bit. I think you should remove the word "Like".

So:

'So often sometimes that I crave it.
The old me is a glass of water
And I am so, so thirsty.'

I think the that metaphor is absolutely amazing, but I think the speculative "like" takes away from it a bit.

I'd also say that a similar thing runs through the whole poem. Often a tip with writing (particularly prose) is to remove any unnecessary speculative words [just, like, had, etc.] Obviously they exist here to purposefully create that uncertainty, so it is entirely up to you, but I personally think the poem would come out stronger, cleaner without those sorts of words.

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