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Watching the world

Submitted by Viviana Smith on Thu, 2020-08-13 21:00

I watch the trees reach out their branches leaves facing up toward the sun
I roar with the waters so big and so strong making the ground undone
I cry with the moon so dark and so sad as the cows graze far down below
I sing with the winds a song of the world spreading my love to and fro
I leap with the ocean and lap at the waves as the sand and the water flirt
I bow with the rocks so humble and small, praising the grass and the dirt
And then I pray at the end of the day for this wonderful beautiful land
For I know though, how gracious and large it was all made by your hand

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I don’t have a title that sounds good enough. Please feel free to share suggestions. Also I want y’all to know that 4 of you were the cause of this poem. I thought of the first line in the chat room and I couldn’t get it out of my head so I made it into a poem.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

c lynn brooks

Thu, 2020-08-13 21:33

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this is beautiful
I only got stuck on line 5
lap at the waves something is not setting right
may I suggest

I leap with the ocean( I love that image)
and lap as the waves
at thesand and the water that flirt

all in all this is such a delightful write

Chrys

check out our chat room open to all 24/7

raj

Fri, 2020-08-14 01:50

Nice structured poem with good rhyme pattern...in the concluding line, if by "your" you mean the Lord, you may write it as "Your"...

I will come back and see if I can suggest a title as requested by you...

keep posting...

raj (sublime_ocean)

Lavender

Fri, 2020-08-14 14:50

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Hello, Viviana,
Much like a mantra, meditation or a spiritual affirmation. I very much wanted to respond with "Namaste." Beautiful!
Thank you,
Lavender

raj

Sat, 2020-08-15 01:52

since you are looking out for alternative title...may be "World seen through my lens"

raj (sublime_ocean)

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