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You Were Gone So Long

If there was a sound,
if there was a slight breeze,
I did not notice.

If there was a familiar fragrance,
or a pleasing taste,
I was unaware.

For, mortal that I am,
what other sense could I endure
but the radiant sight of your return.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

too obscure. I feel like this is a part of a poem, not the whole thing. I love the premise of being just mortal and not being able to connect with another-worldly essence, but give us a clue, what is it?
~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Well...bummer! Hmm...I was trying to describe the moment someone experiences their lover's return after being away a long time. All senses (hearing, touching/feeling, smelling, tasting) would be mute compared to the sight (seeing) of their lover. I will rethink this.
Thanks for all your help!
L

author comment

the views of a couple of other readers to convince me of the fullness of this poem. After re-reading, [and seeing your explanation], I understand where this poem is going. I'm not sure where my head was and I am afraid that I didn't do your work justice this time. Am I forgiven? ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Nothing to forgive, my friend! To me, if it wasn't clear enough, then it may not be working, after all. It's certainly best to not have the need to explain, but instead have the aha! effect just from reading. The title was meant to be a major part of the poem, too. The poem seems to be on the fence, so I will think it through a bit more. I always, always appreciate your input!
Thank you!
L

author comment

that your title could be: [You Were Gone So Long]. Shorter. I really am contrite; it must have
been too early to be giving advice, I didn't fully understand the implications of the title. Duh... ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Thank you for the title suggestion. I think it works much better.
L

author comment

hence views removed
sorry L

Hi, Lovedly!
Yes! You and Geezer are exactly correct - it is the ecstasy that is missing! Awesome help!
Thank you very much!
L

author comment

.

All good! I am pleased if it seems to work as is.
Thank you!
L

author comment

I have to disagree with my brother Gee. I think there is just enough bones to fil the body of the poem.

Loved it J x

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

No no no the radiant in the last sentence gives me that sense of ecstasy. The beauty in this poem is the less is more principle. Just opinion of course.

J x

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

Radiant = sensual / visual ecstasy certainly was my intention. I hoped it would overwhelm any other mortal sense. I will ponder on this a bit, as I am a big fan of less is more, and, if all is good here, I shall leave it be. Thank you for reading and helping me!
Lavender

author comment

You have given me a great boost about my final line which was to absolutely burst with ecstasy for certain. I definitely could learn a thing or two from Venus!
Thank you so much, Jerry!
L

author comment

Not what I was going for, but still pretty satisfying to hear your interpretation of the poem. I'll think about the title - it seems therein lies the problem.
Thank you, Teddy!
L

author comment
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