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Raw Shock (RorschachTest)
Turning somersaults on the stage
he pointed his trombone straight
at me.
Like a contortionist, he captured me
with his sultry moves
and alluring beats,
he twisted his head and
swayed his hips
pursed his lips, as if
sucking a lollipop
then he stopped
his frame a butterfly, then a bee.
looked again, he was a tree.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
Going to a concert reminds me of taking a Rorschach Test. First, you see one thing, then another, and it all depends on the observer, what is actually seen.
Editing stage:
Contest:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Geezer
Sat, 2020-07-11 14:06
I remember...
only one concert like that! I went to a Kiss concert with about 40 others on one of those bus deals and someone broke out a bottle of liquid acid and we smoked at least an ounce of weed and drank a couple of cases of beer before we ever even got there. Gene Simmons turned into a dragon on stage and one of the others turned into a kitty-cat. Great concert and yeah, I guess you can see all kinds of things. ~ Geezer.
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Sky Lighter
Sun, 2020-07-12 07:27
Geezer
I loved the fact that you peeped my comparison of a concert, to a Rorshach test.
author commentc lynn brooks
Sat, 2020-07-11 16:44
4th line I believe you can
4th line I believe you can drop the "me" as you have two me's to close together
perhaps: use my inner being use it or not
interesting outlook on things
a warm welcome to neo poet I am sure you will find it a homey atmosphere with tons of help from the populace
Chrys
check out our chat room open to all 24/7
Sky Lighter
Sun, 2020-07-12 07:36
Thank you for the inspiring
Thank you for the inspiring critique, C Lynn. When one's insight meets another's "outsight" , the birth of "intersight" follows!
Love and light,
Sky Lighter
author commentc lynn brooks
Sun, 2020-07-12 15:47
sky lighter
what a beautiful way of wording it
Chrys
check out our chat room open to all 24/7
Gracy
Sat, 2020-07-11 18:05
Hi Sky, I once took that test
Hi Sky, I once took that test before working for a company. I saw all sorts of things, some was sexy stuff. I peeked at the report (it was in my boss's desk) and it said "highly femine!...lol.
I'm very interesting in the topic and I think you've expressed it deftly. So glad a poet like you has brought up this. The title is perfect, I'm not sure what "structure" you mean? You have some nice rhymes, but I don't see any form that I recognize.
I'll return, welcome to neopoet, it's family here, hope you enjoy, best Gracy
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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury
Sky Lighter
Sun, 2020-07-12 01:09
Reply to Gracy
I love your comments. I use my own form. I let the poem take off in it's own direction, once I start it!
Sky Lighter
author comment