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Serving a poetic cocktail (Sedoka)
juggle mind for words
cherry pick appealing ones
and shake a tipsy cocktail
raise a toast for joy
let it roll onto your tongue
say "hey i got it all right"
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
This is my first attempt at a Sedoka which was introduced by Rula in the last few words of her poem...she enticed me to try it...as she explained a Seduka is made up of two Katukas..one katuka being a 3 line verse with 5-7-7 syllable sequence
hope i got it right
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
raj
Fri, 2020-07-10 01:21
Hi Teddy
Thanks for the read and your comment and suggestion. I will think about it during edit..
be well...
raj (sublime_ocean)
Geezer
Thu, 2020-07-09 15:28
I have to agree...
with Teddy. It just would seem natural to have it begin with shaking. I do think that tipsy is alright for the other line. Nice little Sedoka. They seem to work well according to what they are supposed to be, I don't remember trying this before, so I can't say for certain. ~ Geez.
.,
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raj
Fri, 2020-07-10 01:18
Thanks Geez
for your comments. Appreciated.
Be well..
raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Fri, 2020-07-10 01:46
Dear Raj
Thank you for taking the challenge. I knew it is a piece of cake for aspired poets just like yourself.
The only thing you need to check is K.2 L.2 where you got one syllable less
May be something like: "let it roll (onto) your tongue"
An owesom writing as usual from your pen. I have nothing to say but much appreciation dear raj!
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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raj
Fri, 2020-07-10 07:29
Dear Rula
Thanks for taking time to read and good to know I got it right except for one syllable less in K2L2 which i have now fixed....
be well....
raj (sublime_ocean)