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R.I.P. Whiskey Lullaby

Submitted by jetz on Mon, 2020-07-06 07:00

How fitting that it's cloudy
This somber fateful day
The plane rolls down the tarmac
She keeps the tears at bay

She shouldn't really be here
But again, she had to be
One thousand miles traveled
She's here, but where is he

She rents herself a Mustang
Buys herself a map
Gathers her bag and baggage
Tosses on her Packers cap

To the farm, her destination
Down off highway 35
Cursing him within her soul
Cursing him for having died

Up ahead she sees the farm house
All the people gathered there
Driving slowly right on past
She glances right to an evil stare

She knew that other woman
That other woman knew her too
She found a place to pull on over
A place to keep her out of view

Walking slowly to the farmhouse
Staying safely out of sight
Beethoven's playing his last song
As this day becomes the night

She watches as they spread his ashes
Through her lips, a wail escapes
She questions life from here on in
How can she live without her mate

They had it all or at least enough
'Til he threw it all away
'Til that night he pulled the trigger
Now there's nothing left to say

Now she pulls herself together
Stumbles back into the car
This is it, her life is over
She drives off to find a bar.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Gee asked for something from me with a tad more substance. Hope this one does the trick. J.
Editing stage: 
Not actively editing
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Geezer

Mon, 2020-07-06 08:05

Geezer's picture
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this will do. You have very good story-telling skills, let's see them more often. A couple of things to consider in your rhythm,
I took the liberty of suggesting a few changes to some of the lines, to bring it more into a pattern. Of course as always, you can tell me that you like it the way it is and/or use some things and not others. I enjoyed this and wondered what happened afterwards. I thought that you might be pleased that most of the changes are in the interest of brevity. LoL
~ Geez.
.

She really shouldn't be here
A thousand miles she's traveled
Gathers bag and baggage
Puts on her Packer's cap
She drives slowly right on past
She feels an evil stare
She knows that other woman
She finds a place to pull over
Until the night he pulled the trigger
She pulls herself together

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

jetz

Tue, 2020-07-07 07:00

jetz's picture

. You should have been a woman. Indecisive often? LOL. I post a little poem
you want a bigger poem. I post a bigger poem and you don't even comment. I
post a long, story poem and what do you do, you edit it down to a smaller poem.
Nice job by the way. I recognize the words, though it changes the story, at least
to me, and I was there. Thanks Gee, for taking an interest and for taking all that
time with it.

I'm confused as hell, and the day is young.
Sue

author comment

Geezer

Wed, 2020-07-08 08:27

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I didn't realize, that the way it came out; it would look like a whole poem! LoL
What I was trying to do, was give you alternate lines. Showing you how to make the lines that you had, better, not reduce it to what you see here. I'm amazed at how it came out like a whole poem and I didn't even see it. It's funnier than if we tried to make it so. You're a good sport and I love everything you've done here. Thanks for putting up with this crazy old man. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

jetz

Sun, 2020-07-12 02:49

jetz's picture

taking so long to reply. No problems here Gee. I think
what's confusing is not being able to see the poem as
I read your suggestions. That along with the fact that
I wrote this poem in 2009( I think.) and to be honest,
YES I did think you rewrote it. It's all good. No more
old poems I can't remember well..

Sue :)

author comment

scribbler

Mon, 2020-07-06 15:01

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A good tale of betrayal then cowardice. I have a few thoughts on this :
How fitting that it's cloudy
On this somber fateful day *
The plane rolls down the tarmac
She keeps the tears at bay

She shouldn't really be here
But she thinks she has to be*
One thousand empty miles traversed*
She's here, but where is he

She rents herself a Mustang
Buys herself a map
Gathers her bag and baggage
Tosses on her Packers cap

To the farm, her destination
Down off highway 35
Cursing him within her soul
Why ain't he still alive? *

Up ahead she sees the farm house
All the people gathered there
Driving slowly right on past
She glances right to an evil stare.................unsure about your meaning here

She knew that other woman
That other woman knew her too
She found a place to pull on over
A place to keep her out of view

Walking slowly to the farmhouse
Staying safely out of sight
Beethoven's playing his last song
As this day fades into night

She watches as they spread his ashes
Through her lips, a wail escapes
She questions life from here on in
How can she live without her mate

They had it all or at least enough
'Til he threw it all away
'Til that night he pulled the trigger
Now there's nothing left to say

Now she pulls herself together
Stumbles back into the car
This is it, her life is over
She drives off to find a bar.

I put an * next to each line where I left a suggestion

jetz

Wed, 2020-07-08 15:22

jetz's picture

but a damn good story. Thought it just what Geezer was looking for. I am glad you responded.
I have felt a slight chill ( real or imagined) from your direction. Anyway, I much appreciate your
time and suggestions . I had to laugh at one line..."One thousand empty miles traversed*" In my
60 + years, I have never used the word traversed. Odd. Not so much. It's just not me. Forgive me,
but if I heard it from you I think I might chuckle too. No offense meant. So, the poem was written for
shock value. Someone I loved was drinking himself to death. He was married. (that evil stare) I fashioned
it after the song whiskey lullaby. https://youtu.be/IZbN_nmxAGk
Nothing more sobering than someone writing about spreading your ashes. He still walks this earth. :)

Thanks again Stan.
Sue

author comment

Geezer

Thu, 2020-07-09 00:31

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would realize that what I was doing was giving you those lines that I thought needed a little change, but instead, it came out looking like I wanted you to condense it and make it shorter. Believe me, I absolutely loved your story; I was just rewriting the few lines that I thought would make it smoother. Sorry, that I confused you. ~ Gee.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

jetz

Sun, 2020-07-12 02:51

jetz's picture

it's all good. I'm craving a drink now dammit.

Sue

author comment
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