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Swan Dive

Submitted by LorienLord on Fri, 2014-06-20 17:16

The old bridge lantern swung to and fro, searching
wanting just once more to illuminate anything
before its life flickered out.

Then she stepped out of the shadow into its light
tentatively, one foot first, as though testing the water
like a diver does before climbing the ladder.

Each cold rung reminded her of failed dreams
as she pulled herself upward for the first time
only to reach the heights of despair.

Now she stands high above her sins
arms raised in supplication, hands together in one last prayer
and makes the leap of faithlessness.

She barely leaves a ripple, her life’s story
and waits for an eternity
to see the judges score.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

Geezer

Sat, 2014-06-21 15:29

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and would like to see you refine it. I'd like it to be a little more clear about the lantern. Who was holding it?
Fate? Ghosts of the past dreams and aspirations? ~ Geezer

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Ian.T

Sun, 2014-06-22 02:59

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This just seemed to be severely split into two stories, the entrance of the shadow lady then the diver in the competition.
They never became one so there needs to be a joining at the beginning, I can see her there on the old bridge going for that last dive as her life turns but then you must join her thoughts to the thinking of being a diver..
Have a good think and a sort, too many people watching, this is a great theme and the process from the old bridge where she ended her life waiting for the judges needs more flow,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Geezer

Sat, 2020-07-04 13:30

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this again, I think I understand it a little better than the first time. As you might be able to tell from my own writings, I am not much of a minimalist. However, I have been reading more short works and thinking more about how to interpret them. I see the scene much clearer now and understand that she has committed suicide and may have used the scene in her head to help her through to the end. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Geezer

Sat, 2020-07-04 13:31

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this again, I think I understand it a little better than the first time. As you might be able to tell from my own writings, I am not much of a minimalist. However, I have been reading more short works and thinking more about how to interpret them. I see the scene much clearer now and understand that she has committed suicide and may have used the scene in her head to help her through to the end. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

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