Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
By The Waters of Acheron
It begins with musical analysis
he teases the harp strings
notes of fire and water
her breathing rises
then falls
rises then falls
beneath her famished kisses
all things are made part
of their love play
a candle flame
a dog baying a few streets away
the fragrance of his hair
the pulsing of her heart
the wind & the falling rain
a glass of wine untouched
on the windowsill
It continues with poetry
the lines of a tenuous beat
he recites the fragments of Psapfo:
"Lay beneath me
my cunning virgin
for there is nothing
more harrowing
than the distance of lovers"
"I was placed here not by circumstance
but choice, my actions led me
to drink from the waters of Acheron...
by the waters of Acheron we lay down
there we wept..."
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
Geezer
Thu, 2020-07-02 15:32
The title...
is okay, but I think it might limit audience, if one were to just go by the title. Maybe just me. I love the scene of the lovers as the noises of the neighborhood, the flame of the candle and the smell of his hair
show the fullness of the experience and clarity of the senses. However, I see that you have started the previous stanza with the same words; "It begins with". Just a little bit confusing. All in all, a good story. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Dalton
Thu, 2020-07-02 17:50
hi Geezer
agreed its a work in progress there is another edit on a website I'm with under the penname Fallen Minstrel. I removed that whole first stanza almost entirely. Some people are affronted or put off by the sexual elements. I don't really care about that but there was something in my mind that it was poorly constructed vulgarity. I don't mind vulgarity so long as its beautiful to some degree. I'll continue to work on it if you'd be so good as to read again at some point cheers fir your support matey
author commentGeezer
Thu, 2020-07-02 20:35
I wouldn't delete
the whole first stanza, just the first line. For sure, I will read the edits. I love to watch someone who cares enough about what I say; what we say to make changes and try to make it better.
~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.