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On Her Purity
Strange of all your enigmatic
seasons
I find your purity
the sexiest
a veil is to accentuate
not hide away
to wait for the words
should I now soil myself
I yearn for you
in solitude
the invisible prison
that keeps night from day
as the wine is mixed
part lust & part ideal
the lovely sisters wander
hand in hand through the Eden of Iblis
should I remove my hand
from the furnace
simply because it hurts
and that's all
what a fool
he would say, the stonecutter
what harm is it
that the lovers
of the world
might learn the language
of poets
Original Edit:
Strange, of all the enigmatic
changes,
I found your purity
the sexiest.
The invisible prison
that keeps night from day.
Should I remove my hand
from the furnace
simply because it hurts
and that's all.
What a fool,
he would say,
the one who carves
my name into eternity.
Comments
Gracy
Mon, 2020-06-15 18:44
Hi Dalton, I like your title
Hi Dalton, I like your title and the poem is quite clear, except I get confused towards the end. Who is the "he" in the last strophe? God?
I'll return after others have commented. Best, Gracy
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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury
Dalton
Mon, 2020-06-15 18:56
hi Gracy
not sure how many others will bother to read. no the "he" is not God otherwise it would be uppercase "He" he is the stonecarver who writes my name on the tombstone. That whole stanza is a bit off for me too. Maybe I'll return to it in time with a fresh mind and edit
thanks for reading
Dalton
Tue, 2020-06-16 18:17
hi Gracy
have made another edit please reread thanks John
Geezer
Tue, 2020-06-16 07:07
I had the same thought...
as Gracy, but you have answered that. Yes, I think that a different passage for the last stanza is a good; but maybe the same idea?
Someone remarking on the situation, that knows you; not a tombstone carver. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Dalton
Tue, 2020-06-16 11:30
hi Geezer
my mind is set on the stone carver I just need to find a more succinct way of putting it. thanks for reading Geezer
Dalton
Tue, 2020-06-16 11:32
hi Geezer
the last line "into eternity" feels like a bit of a cliché
Geezer
Tue, 2020-06-16 17:50
How about...
And the stone-cutter carving my name, thinks "He was a fool"?
Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Dalton
Tue, 2020-06-16 18:16
hi Geezer
have made another edit please reread any advice is welcome cheers
Geezer
Thu, 2020-06-18 22:34
I see...
it clearer now. ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.