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UNWORTHY (title workshop)
She came on pristine feet, with such a soft
ardor, it seemed no man could sneer her gift,
or ignore light’s promise to rise aloft
above the crime that caused the heaven’s rift.
It was as if some stolen light was sent
into the world to find the truth in man;
and I was called to see if it is meant
for one in love of truth to lift the ban.
But sad, my earth in strong desire had called
the lust and base intents that curved my soul.
It closed the cage where spirit’s flight is walled
and hide from me the text of sacred scroll.
And she my love has paid high price for me
Defied the gods for fool that did not see.
Editing stage:
Workshop:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
scribbler
Thu, 2020-06-11 22:33
Hi Tyro
I agree the title does not seem to fit the poem. Perhaps something to denote the protagonist not being up to the task......hmmmmm.....".Unworthy" comes to mind
tyro
Fri, 2020-06-12 04:39
Scribbler I like your
Scribbler I like your suggestion very much as it lead me in different direction. Unworthy is good but seems to soft, what do you think of Deficient?
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
author commentscribbler
Fri, 2020-06-12 14:32
Hi Tyro
The purpose of this shop is to start people thinking about titles. And this particular exercise is to point out there are Many different ideas for a title. What matters the most is whether or not You wind up satisfied with whatever title you choose or the title you come up with as the result of being inspired by any one or all suggestions
Rula
Fri, 2020-06-12 17:32
Dear Tyro
First look I thought this is a sonnet with a missing line at stanza 2... Hope I am not wrong.
I thought of "Preposterous" for a title. It may not fit, yet I thought I'd share it anyway
(A word I've newly learnt) lol
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Gracy
Sun, 2020-06-14 16:02
Hi Tyro, I agree the title
Hi Tyro, I agree the title does not suit your poem. I can only think of "Contemptible". Dunno...it's difficult.
Why does one strophe have 3 lines? It would be perfect with that completed. I'm sure you can find a way.
Best, Gracy
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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury
tyro
Sun, 2020-06-14 16:17
Hello ladies
Hello ladies
I was sloppy in not proof reading it after I posted; somewhere in the pasting the line got lost. I have added it now. And yes, dear Rula it is a sonnet. From the suggestions I like 'unworthy' best.
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
author commentGeezer
Mon, 2020-06-15 00:38
I too like...
Contemptible... ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Cala Lily
Fri, 2021-08-20 00:45
wow!
This is the embodiment of "purity" refereed to as a woman. How beautiful and sad that no one in the image of man could fulfill such admoration.
tyro
Fri, 2021-08-27 14:04
I totally agree with your
I totally agree with your assessment. Thank you for your comment.
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
author comment