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For L.R.

Submitted by Dalton on Thu, 2020-06-04 14:21

As she lay beneath the nightsilks,
A tiny butterfly, mistress of transformations,
Most humble of all God's creatures,
Entered the lover's cavern.
She murmured beneath the first veil
of sleep the name of her chosen
the secret word that would
expel the dark shades
of the ten courts of hell.
Kiss me my husband:
And the butterfly caressed
the flowers of her nipples,
as a seasoned Lothario,
in gentle breath-like kisses.
Enter me my husband:
And the butterfly slipped inside her
To rhythmically clip the bud of her clitoris.
In her mind she pictured the poem
of her lover.
She wept into the heart of the butterfly
And emptied the essence of her love
into the essence of her husband
beyond the flights of death

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Explicit Content

Comments

Gracy

Thu, 2020-06-04 19:40

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Hi Dalton, are you new here? I haven't seen your poetry before, but I'm also fairly new. Welcome to Neopoet's family, all the same. I enjoy your poem very much, perhaps some will dislike it, but I only suggest you use a different word for "clipped"...ouch! Maybe "licked", "tasted", "savoured", dunno. I like your use of the seductive, selfish Lothian, as well as the Chinese 10 levels of hell. A suggestion below, to TorT.

And emptied the essence of her love
into (the essence of )her husband<<<<or find a different word for essence?
beyond the shores of death.

I'm wondering who L.R. is. I also find the butterfly metaphor confusing, is it the husband? I would rather a female butterfly, but I guess that would complicate your lovely poem. The title is fine and the theme is warming, perfectly clear in its intentions. I wonder why "the shores of death". Maybe use Styx or Hades, since you are naming several traditional names.
I'll return when others have commented. Bye for now, Gracy

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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury

Dalton

Fri, 2020-06-05 09:16

I've been a member of the site for over 10 years but attended less and a broader hiatus because of personal reasons and a degree of malicious treatment. I'm not sure of which word to use for "clipped" it was meant to reflect the action of stimulation by the movement of the butterflies wings. Maybe its a bit misleading the butterfly is a different entity from the husband mentioned and maybe I should change the shores of death reference back to the shores of dreaming which was the original line anyway. L.R. are the initials of the woman I wrote the poem for

Thanks for reading and offering such a well thought out critique

author comment

Gracy

Fri, 2020-06-05 18:45

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Hello again, Dalton. I'm sorry you had trouble with this site, it happens in many websites, but now I haven't encountered any squabbles at all, rest assured. Thanks for explaining the parts I didn't understand, such as the verb clip. I still think there must be a better one, maybe flutter...trying to think.
Maybe "the shores of dreaming" would work better, but it's OK as is. Tx for telling who L.R. is.
All the best, Gracy

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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury

Dalton

Fri, 2020-06-05 18:49

I didn't mean to stoop to vulgarity but I wanted the image to be of the butterfly teasing with its wings maybe a better word than clipped would be teased what do you think? I appreciate your kindness to read and get to the roots of the poem

author comment

Dalton

Fri, 2020-06-05 18:51

changed to teased but if you could think of a better phrasing I'd be grateful for your thoughts

author comment

Dalton

Fri, 2021-02-26 12:15

Not sure anyone likes this poem not even the person I wrote it for

author comment

Candlewitch

Sun, 2021-05-02 17:20

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how could anyone NOT love this poem? especially the one you wrote it for! I am so very sorry if anyone on this poetry site has given you a hard time. I suggest that you report them to the powers that be. and then ignore them for the idiots that they are! this beautiful and (is it sensuous, or sensual? looking for the right word) exquisite imagery and sentence structure. once again, I sit in amazement at your gift for poetry!

left in rapture, Cat

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When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Dalton

Thu, 2022-09-01 05:37

Dearest Cat thanks so much for your fond review. Everyone experiences bullying at some point but I don't think many people like or can appreciate my poems which is worse than a verbal insult. Thanx for your kind support in this love John :):):)

author comment

Electric Blue

Sun, 2021-06-06 13:39

Electric Blue's picture

Dalton

I was drawn in immediately

The vision was there before me in full colour of the emotions you invoked.

Just beautiful

Blue

Electric Blue

Dalton

Sun, 2021-06-06 14:00

Glad you like sometimes I like to write about sex usually enshrouded in a mythic template so to speak. Wouldn't let my dad read though ha ha

author comment

Dalton

Sun, 2021-06-06 14:29

Always seem to falter when I write about sex would like to write more overtly and more confidence

author comment

Emerald1

Wed, 2022-12-14 03:21

Exquisite in every way , the imagery portrayed with your eloquent language is film reel perfect , it drew me in to a sensual classily erotic experience that delights while also evoking emotions of the woman craving her husband loving , obviously I adore that the butterfly is the lover here in this wonderful love poem that this sensitive woman experiences ,it being , the most humble yet magnificent creature .The first time I really came upon them in a sensual poem was in the Chinese poems and they enthralled me as does this piece , Oh what an experience you give this woman , the gentle touches not just kisses but gentle breath like kisses ,such an intimate phrase another which I see comments on and Im going to throw in a suggestion, please forgive me for being so cheeky to do so on a piece of art so far beyond anything I could dream of writing for its artistry and sensuality but you say the Clip word is describing stimulation , so this is only a little suggestion I found clip a good word but I as I read it thought rhythmically Excite the bud of her clitoris , as I say only a thought , your poem is word,thought , and image perfect as is ,a beautiful tender erotic experience presented as only you can with total class and excellence , emotionally and sensually engaging .
I think any woman reading this will be feeling it and wondering if they could ever inspire such a piece of art ,
Im with Cat on this I also" sit in amazement at your gift for poetry !
Thank you for sending me here I love it ,as with all your love pieces you bring your unique talent your gentle heart your soul your love of love your sensuality together to create beauty a most wonderful write for L,R .
A thoroughly enthralling captivating and more read
You do amaze me with your writing ,it is sublime and this is one where you were inspired to excel my dear poet and dearest friend
There ends my first Neo rant
Thank you J
M xx

Seren

Mon, 2023-02-13 19:50

Seren's picture

This is among the best things I've read here recently.

It gave me shivers and then goosebumps, a mark of truly great poetry to me is a combination of those two things. I shivered when I read She murmured under the first veil, and thought oh hell yes. Bliss!

I am back to stay I hope you consider posting More often. Your presence is a pleasance missed.

With love and admiration Jayne xox

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

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