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Over The Rainbow...

Lost in a world not of his making
The messages went around in his head
Oh, why have I been, so forsaken?
And he cried; "I'd rather be dead"

Lions and tigers and scarecrow brains
Full of straw and cotton stuffing
A tin-man left out, rusted in rain
Feeling alone and simply worth nothing

Empty of love and two drops of sorrow
He built walls that kept closing him in
No thought of what may happen tomorrow
Going through life with a big Cheshire grin

Then came the day he knew what he wanted
A place in the sun, somewhere to call home
Tired of feeling that he had been haunted
A place that he'd stay, no need to roam

Oz seems too far, down the yellow brick road
But home is where the heart is connected
A soul that is paid for, still isn't sold
If it never is collected...

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Thank you all for your help in getting the title right and to Alan for his help in the rhythm of it.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

I've enjoyed reading this poem and keep me thirsting for more, it's a nice work.

I've enjoyed reading this poem and keep me thirsting for more, it's a nice work.

I appreciate you stopping by to read and comment. Haven't seen any of your work lately, ~ Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

the story of a man who feels like he has been lost for many years, estranged from his family and friends and not able to connect with his life as it is. Now, he is slowly asserting himself, understanding that he can control his life and feeling like he will be able to find that place in the sun. Thank you for asking. ~ Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

your idea of the simply [worth] nothing. As to the title, it was originally "Terrible Tom" but I felt it didn't reflect the theme at all.
How about "Under the Rainbow"? ~ Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Over the Rainbow. It kind of reminds me of a Pink Floyd song; something said in "The Wall". Not really sure what it was. ~Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

I have a great deal of trouble remembering words to even my favorite songs, as I hear voices more as instruments. Funny that.
~ Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Hi, Geezer,
I like the way this moves along in a Wizard of Oz fashion. Really clever, but then I took a side step when I read Cheshire grin, which made me switch my thinking to Alice's Adventure in Wonderland. A small distraction for me. The final stanza brought me back to the Wizard, though. Those last two lines are striking.
Thank you!
L

the side-step to "Alice in Wonderland" but I wanted to show that he has been masquerading as being satisfied in being where he is, smoking his hookah with a big grin on his face. ~ Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

I get it! Puurrfect!
L

Amazing how you have given Oz a whole new meaning
great job on this one I see no errors at all

Chrys

check out our chat room open to all 24/7

Still working on it, so it may change a little. The title is almost certain to. ~ Gee.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

the title to "Over The Rainbow" as been suggested. ~ Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Alan, for your help with the meter and rhythm. I took a couple of your suggestions and used them, but I like the sarcastic cliché of "Over The Rainbow". ~ Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

A poem I'd have never thought to write (a Good thing lol0/ A few ideas to pass on :
Line 2-the messages raced in his head
Stanza 2,line 4- Feeling lonely a worth almost nothing
Stanza 4 line 2 - a place in the sun to call his home
Just a few ideas from a head full of straw

I will let this settle for a while now. I did change the 2nd line just a bit. ~ Gee.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment
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