Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
PROMISE OF SPRING (I'm gonna let ya'll title this)
Slogging through late winter wood
retrieving a hunting stand
since early autumn it has stood
guarding a view once grand
Damn! Stepped in an old stump hole
fell down and sprained my knee
I didn't say "Why bless my soul."
used a different type vocabulary
Man, the whole wide world looks dead
the only color's evergreen
beneath a sky as gray as lead
I wish that I was still a teen
Tramping in the dull brown leaves
flattened by a recent snow
I recall a rich and fragrant breeze
fall's glory seems so long ago
There's little chance I'll break a sweat
the forest's almost froze
inner child whines "Are we there yet?"
I should have worn some warmer clothes
Old legs tell me to take a rest
so I find and sit on a big stump
the view is good but not the best
my stand's on top of the next hump
In a bit the woods begin to stir
there goes a squirrel down yonder tree
a timber doodle flushes with a whir
is that a distant deer I see?
But, I don't have the entire day
it's far past half way done
best I get up and on my way
before I lose the warmth of sun
Still little color anywhere
as I crest the top of the last hill
Ah! Spring's promise over there
beneath my stand a blooming daffodil
Looking forward to hearing ideas for title................scribbler
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
It seems that promise and spring were needed in title so here it is (with a few edits) thank you all
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
scribbler
Wed, 2011-02-09 16:33
hey shirl
thankfully I haven't stepped in a stump hole for a couple of years. Glad you enjoyed this write...............stan PS Daffodils and old farts......hmmm..............
author commentziggy
Wed, 2011-02-09 14:20
hi there
hi for a title I was thinking of,,,,,,,steeping back ,,,,,,,or beneath ,,,,,,,,,or,,,,,, been here before ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,",I wish I was still in my teens" ,and this line "inner child whines "Are we there yet?",,, those lines had me thinking of those titles
and I thought this line offered some hope for the future at the ending of this write"Ah ! spring's( springs)? promise over there
beneath my stand a blooming daffodil" I liked this walk with your thoughts ............zigs
I salute anyone who breaks the rules in the interest of art and great poetry writing just as much as I admire poets who craft meter and verse within the confines of good grammar. Walk the tight rope or jump from it and see if you can fly.
scribbler
Wed, 2011-02-09 16:36
hey zigg
I had actually considered Springs Promise but thought it would be fun to hear other peoples ideas. Glad you came along.............stan
author commentscribbler
Wed, 2011-02-09 16:43
hi Rosi
Age is indeed a curse, but its a blessing to have a friend to point out my errors................stan PS I expect there are other ideas on their way so I'll wait a bit before editing
author commentNordic cloud
Wed, 2011-02-09 14:52
"The blooming daffodil day."
Stan smiling, I am! All this does for me, with that ending is remind me of my mother standing with her lover on a hill, with bluebells covering the ground, my mother and A not truly believing what they saw, as if it were a kind of heaven reflected to the earth. But then they were young and in love!
You are not so young as they, and here trip into the day with curse and fury at the damp and dark, and then the spark of yellow fills our minds as the ending comes, saving us from feeling depressed, so admirably done to ease us into old age.
I gave a title from me, ???
Love to you and I hope the knee is not playing up any more.
Ann.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
scribbler
Wed, 2011-02-09 16:47
greetings
that title idea is a good one, but I'll wait a day or two to give anybody who is interested a chance to chip in. Thank you for coming by........................stan
author commentRoscoe Lane
Wed, 2011-02-09 17:46
A Gathering of Autums, Springs to Mind.
A Gathering of Autums, Springs to Mind. Seems to fit this great poem, your words carry the reader with you, on your trails. Regards Roscoe...
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
scribbler
Wed, 2011-02-09 20:21
hello Roscoe
All that carrying and my back isn't even sore lol. Springs to Mind is a front runner, thanks..................stan
author commentRace_9togo
Wed, 2011-02-09 21:18
Spring's Promise?
Winter End?
Daffodil in The Hunting Stand?
Of Aging in Spring?
Good read, Stan.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
scribbler
Wed, 2011-02-09 22:02
hey Jim
you are the2nd person to suggest something like Spring's Promise. Maybe the beginning of a trend. Thanks for the read and suggestion.................stan
author commentscribbler
Sat, 2011-02-12 06:54
hello Rosi
I had to let the thing gather a bit of moss then decide on title, and edit. I seldom leave anything alone for ever lol............stan
author commentscribbler
Sat, 2011-02-12 06:56
hello shirley
I'll leave the part in parenthesis in the title a few days so that those who read it earlier will know it has been changed..................stan
author comment