Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Time To Kill...

Submitted by Geezer on Sat, 2020-03-07 13:22

We made young laughter and let it go
It hung around and we had fun
The years went by and we didn't know
That time would be, on the run

Oh, the things that were and was
Unsuspecting fools
Squandered chances, just because
We didn't know the rules

We didn't care what led us there
Wherever we wound up
We had far more than our hair
We had bravado in our cup

Mistakes we made, they didn't matter
We had each other's back
We partied hearty like the Hatter
Took up each other's slack

How did the time go, down the drain?
We didn't curse what life had brought us
We rode mad motors in the rain
Swore oaths forever, just to cuss

Now it's gone, the time, I mean
The darkness closing in
We did more things, than most have seen
Was it really such a sin?

Ah, I feel it slipping away
But I remember still
I just can't, forget those days
When we had time to kill

,

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Last few words: 
For all my brothers and old geezers.
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

Geezer

Sun, 2020-03-08 12:49

Geezer's picture
Volunteer badge

I used your suggestion and don't see that it makes much of a difference, but since it doesn't, not going to switch back.
Triumph Tiger huh? I'll have to go look that up. I've certainly heard of Triumph, but don't know much about them. I certainly hope that your "Tiger"{ is still growling around somewhere, or some of it anyway, [ old bikes have a way of becoming new again], or at least part of something new. Thanks for the read and comments. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Geezer

Sun, 2020-03-08 12:41

Geezer's picture
Volunteer badge

Never had a "Hog" it wasn't my kind of ride. I loved the sport bikes and had two Hondas. My first was a 1974 CB 550 - 4 cyl.
and my present bike, [incapacitated, like me]; is a 1985 Honda Interceptor V-4 500. I doubt I'll ever ride it again, but it's mine,
all bought and paid for and if I ever hit the Lotto... Anyway, I never wanted to scare horses or anyone really, just wanted to ride and have some fun; leaning into the corners and blazing down the straights. We didn't discriminate, we didn't care what you rode as long as you did. Went to Laconia N.H. for the bike races three times. Spent Father's Day weekend with at least a hundred thousand bikers and partied hearty. Most of the "boys" are gone now, but live on in memory. Thanks for the read and comments. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Eumolpus

Tue, 2020-03-10 21:51

Eumolpus's picture

I would incorporate it's effect. Look into the slang. It's not murder, not manslaughter, it's KILL. Time to KILL. The paradox of how we "kill time" when we are young and free, spending time like it's burning a hole in out pockets, literally killing time with feeling life in the moment as you can only do when you are young like that.
Now it's gone, now time is killing you.
I think there's a bit more to work with in the theme, and more raw emotion to come through. Sometimes even a vulgarity, as poets today so freely use fuck and shit for effect...the poem has nostalgia, just needs a swicth blade to make it more than that, which you have done so often in your work.
..

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Geezer

Tue, 2020-03-10 22:20

Geezer's picture
Volunteer badge

I'll look into that. It might be, that there is more to come from this one. Thanks for the read and comment. Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.