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Longing

You don't understand
You can't percieve
How I long for you
How I long for your touch
How much I love you
I try my best to show
my love for you
You seem unable to see
How life could be

Lifes a mystery
It's been a misery
My love is so great
You don't percieve
The things I do
My love burns for you
My heart needs a soul
to make it whole
My love I save for you

Oh darling look at me
With pools of love.

I look in your eyes but
I dont see my love

Critique of this poem

An uninspired and very ordinary poem that gives the reader nothing to hang on to. Anyone can write “My love is so great” or that “My love burns for you”. There is no talent in being able to write ‘I love you’ on a piece of paper. The true art rests in SHOWING how that love materializes.

Why not SHOW the reader the depth of love this narrator has through deed and action? Through vivid and descriptive writing, the narrator can make this poem come alive. At this stage it is a lifeless statement that is no value-add in the genre of poetry. The poet needs to show an act of love or devotion, with metaphor or simile, that paints an image that unmistakably reveals this love.

As this poem stands it is 24 lines of saccharine nothing. It simply says that the person the narrator loves doesn’t recognize this devotion. So what? This could have been said in 2 lines and saved the reader the time and agony of 22 redundant lines. And the overly sentimental cliché is a real turn-off: “pools of love”. Eyes as pools for reflection of love has been done to death over the centuries and has no place in modern poetry unless the poem is excellent (which this is not) and another choice of imagery cannot be found (which is highly unlikely). The same goes for burning hearts and empty souls.

This comes off as lazy writing that is mawkish, cliched and a badly written whinge. The end rhyme is also trite given the lack of substance in the poem. This poem has nothing important to offer the reader about unreciprocated love; nothing that they haven’t heard a thousand times before, and via far better poetic expression.

Last few words: 
This poem was written in a style reminiscent of many modern poems with a critique from one of my harsher critic friends
Editing stage: 

Comments

...with your comments on your own poem. To your criticism I would add that the writer can't spell "perceive" and appears to have a bit of a problems with apostrophes and punctuation.

But I'm a bit puzzled as to the point of your posting this item (apart from a bit of self-flagellation, that is). If it's to encourage people to savage someone else's writing, that's fine by me, I suppose. Heaven knows, much of the amateurish writing on online poetry sites is execrable beyond belief. However, one should also think that maybe sometimes one is reading a piece might be the fruit of much hard work by a less-than-well-educated teenager who is sad and unhappy. Ripping it apart mercilessly for one's own self-satisfaction is not really a big help.

Mais, à chacun son goût.
.

xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

I wrote the poem.. to replicate poetry that people praise and it the critique of an Aussie poet a friend believe it or not. I put it up as part of the critique workshop for comment not to encourage hard critique. I dont think savageing helps anybody a good fair honest assessment is mire helpful.

author comment

I wrote the poem.. to replicate poetry that people praise and it the critique of an Aussie poet a friend believe it or not. I put it up as part of the critique workshop for comment not to encourage hard critique. I dont think savageing helps anybody a good fair honest assessment is more helpful.

author comment

This is what 90% or more of typical song lyric. Nothing wrong with “silly love songs” as Paul McCarthy tells us. It’s only bad when offered as poetry.
Not sure I get the point.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

It might be ok as lyrics of a silly love song and its ok as silly light weight poetry but it is a read and move on poem, with no substance or depth. Its the sort of love poetry that too me has no long term value, no message, no wow value and is not the sort of poetry to be commended.

author comment

I think there is a huge separation between typical song lyric and poetry, very very few work as good poetry alone. But with music, “tea for two and two fir tea, me for you and you for me” is perfect

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

I think there is a huge separation between typical song lyric and poetry, very very few work as good poetry alone. But with music, “tea for two and two fir tea, me for you and you for me” is perfect

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

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