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The Dog and The Butterfly
Take this city rat’s mind
That’s always sniffing
Nervously
For cheese
Running for cover
Racing and
Racing
Clicking and posting
For likes
Hustling and posturing
For approval
Or money
Or whatever crack
Is in my veins
And turn it into
A country dog’s
Lying on the floor
In the sunlight
With the same old bone
Excitable
When it comes
To happiness
Without guilt or fear or materialism
Enough
To take a bite
Every once in a while
Out of
The sofa
Get distracted
By a butterfly
Flying among
The backyard sycamore trees
Yes, may that be
My dance
The dog and the butterfly
Not the rat and the cheese
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
This could be a companion piece to the Cat People poem I posted.
Editing stage:
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Comments
c lynn brooks
Fri, 2020-01-24 15:39
Greg
interesting enough although a bit confusing to me I have seen better writes come from your pen
Lynn
Chrys
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swamp-witch
Fri, 2020-01-24 18:06
Hey Greg,
This is a totally random reaction, but hopefully it will bring you a giggle. This poem reminds me of the viral video that was going around the Internet not too long ago (a few months, maybe? school makes time a blur for me) of a huge rat carrying a whole slice of New York style pizza away down the stairs to the subway. A Google search of "pizza rat" brings it up immediately. It's not super funny or anything (unlike viral videos tend to be), but its oddly intriguing. And then the poor thing leaves the pizza (I guess because of the people nearby?). It was working so hard for that delicious slice and then went home with nothing. Maybe that's a good metaphor for some of the themes in this poem, "Hustling and posturing/For approval" especially.
A suggestion that hasn't been made yet:
"A country dog’s/ Lying on the floor:" --> I think the line break makes me think you're using "dog's" as a possessive so I'm expecting an object on the next line, but I get a verb and it's jarring. I'm sure you intend it as "a country dog is", so you may want to try writing it out that way.
Kelsey
Critique, don't comment.
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Edna Sweetlove
Sat, 2020-01-25 08:20
Puzzling...
...but whimsical. Edna likes whimsy - a lot.
xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars
samary
Sat, 2020-01-25 09:26
I really like this I like the
I really like this I like the janus life style idea I wonder if you need the last two lines trust your reader to make their own conclusion, But like the repetition the alliteration and the enjambment. I would tidy the straggly longer lines in the second half as this part should look neat and ordered the rat end could be choppy.