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Roasted Faraway (For Prof. Pius Adesanmi)
By Izunna Okafor
Beyond the shrubs of Sahara
Lifted a munt of brainy bond
Over the Mississippi of Ethiopia
Lofted a penner with his hunky thoughts
Across the bridge of a foreign land
Hovered a book of beautiful pages
Tightly enclaved yet as an Ireland
In a skull rounded in the clime of golden edges
Off the coast of Addis Ababa
Tears rang bell aloud
Beholding a star being staggered
In a nimbus of a faraway land
A heroic pen was raptly melted
As the book of many pages shattered across the ocean
A nation's pride has become ashes
Making a wave in the hist of the deadly world
Oh! he was roasted faraway
Faraway his father land
Amidst tears in the eyes his nation
A great gem was ruefully tossed
The ashes of his fecund head
The cranes of his creative fingers
The cremains of his eagle eyes
Now pose lifeless in a foreign land
He's gone
A hero is gone
Roasted in a faraway land
Oh! He's gone forever.
© Izunna Okafor, 2019.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
Pius Adesanmi (born on 27th Feb. 1972) was an award-winning Nigerian-born poet, Poet, Essayist and Columnist, and literary critic. A renowned intellectual, he was also a Canadian professor who taught at Carleton University in Ottawa, Ontario. He was one of Nigeria’s leading public intellectuals and an internationally acclaimed author. He was a well celebrated and beloved writer with sharp intellect and found humor in the most grim, politically-fueled subjects, often about his home country -- Nigeria, as typified in his magnum opus -- Naija No Dey Carry Last published in 2015.
Prof. Adesanmi was among the 157 victims who died on Sunday, March 10, 2019, when an Ehtiopian Airlines plane crashed.
May his gentle soul rest in perfect peace.
Editing stage:
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Comments
Eumolpus
Mon, 2020-01-13 20:16
a good elegy
There are many good images and charged rhythms in your poem which really help support the emotion. A worthy work for a beloved person.
There are some problems with language. In the USA we, when everyone chooses a person to make fun of at a party it’s called a “roast”, or we roast food. To imply the person was incinerated in a plane crash as “roasted” might work with some other meaning in your part of the world, but not so here, it comes off a bit comic which is hardly the intent
Also we don’t know some of the meanings of the words such as munt or penner. So these are just local language issues.
I think the meter suffers in some lines (#8, 10) Also I like the slant rhymes you use in the first 3 stanzas and think personally you should not stop the scheme in the balance of the poem.
Some words do not work together like “fecund head” – difficult to say within the cadence and kind of awkward as an image.
Elegies are hard to do. Filled with grief and praise of the fallen there is not much room for creativity. But you have taken a good stance and have some good sounds. I would stick with it! Here’s a few famous stanzas from elegies to poets from poets.
Adonais: An Elegy on the Death of John Keats
By Percy Bysshe Shelley:
I weep for Adonais—he is dead!
Oh, weep for Adonais! though our tears
Thaw not the frost which binds so dear a head!
And thou, sad Hour, selected from all years
To mourn our loss, rouse thy obscure compeers,
And teach them thine own sorrow, say: "With me
Died Adonais; till the Future dares
Forget the Past, his fate and fame shall be
An echo and a light unto eternity!"
From Auden’s elegy to Yeats:
In the deserts of the heart
Let the healing fountain start,
In the prison of his days
Teach the free man how to praise.
>>
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings
Eumolpus
Mon, 2020-01-13 19:51
a good elegy
..
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings
Pugilist
Wed, 2020-01-15 20:19
Structure
This is categorized as free verse but presented in a structured format.
I would suggest full free verse.
Without changing a word:
Beyond the shrubs of Sahara
Lifted a munt
of brainy bond.
Over the Mississippi
of Ethiopia
Lofted a penner
with his hunky thoughts.
Across the bridge
of a foreign land,
Hovered a book of beautiful pages
Tightly enclaved yet
as an Ireland
In a skull rounded in the clime
of golden edges.
By dispensing with the appearance of structure, you are free to present your vision and any incidental rhymes flow with your form.
Well done. I would like to see your progress.
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Jonathan Moore