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Fall Yet Never Broken (December Contest)

Submitted by Rula on Mon, 2019-12-09 15:27

So many ups, so many downs,
give us the smiles, give us the frowns,
cause us to crack, cause us to fall,
only to rise up strong and tall.

We get attached to beloved ones,
to better halves, to passionate sons,
we frame up moments off all these days
soon we'll separate to different ways.

For those who died we shed the tears,
we try to hide our awful fears,
we have the time to bleach the stains,
for lighter hearts, for brighter brains.

As long as you're up to my side,
love I'll pass through the drifting ride,
I'll go for more unlimited miles
Please come back mom with your sweet smiles.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
"LIFE"

Comments

scribbler

Wed, 2019-12-11 16:15

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I liked this one but that first stanza. The whole rest of this poem has a tight aabb rhyme scheme. Is there a reason this one stanza doesn't?

Geezer

Thu, 2019-12-12 10:50

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paying attention to the rhythm as a secondary thing, but I looked at the poem as a whole and found that it meant something more than at first it seems. [At least I think so]. After reading it through a couple of times, I came up with a couple of suggestions.
1] the last line in the first stanza could read: [to raise us up, climb the wall]

2] third and last lines of the second stanza: [we frame up moments from all these days]
[soon, we'll separate to different ways]

3] Last line of the third stanza: [for lighter hearts, brighter brains]

4] For as long as you are by my side
I can pass through those drifting tides
I will fly more unlimited miles
Please come back Mom, I need your smiles

If I have made a wrong assumption, I apologize. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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Edna Sweetlove

Thu, 2019-12-12 13:24

Edna Sweetlove's picture

If one is going to have a rhyming poem, there is but one rule: it must actually rhyme.
"fall" doesn't rhyme with "whole" (unless one has a strong Japanese accent)
"ride" doesn't rhyme with "sides" (no matter what accent one has).
.

xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

Geezer

Sat, 2019-12-14 12:03

Geezer's picture
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rides and side, do not rhyme? I suppose that the [ess] makes a tiny difference. Do you really need the
[ess] added to side?
Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Edna Sweetlove

Sat, 2019-12-14 16:51

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Correct. The "ess" makes the difference.

xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

Eumolpus

Thu, 2019-12-12 14:40

Eumolpus's picture

Like your poem. I have no problem with slant rhymes, not all rhymes need to be direct like side and rides. I am only distracted by forced rhymes as I feel in stains and brains. The image seems forced to me.
Great to see you writing in rhyme. It is the best way to build your craft and write better free verse too

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Rula

Thu, 2019-12-12 16:18

Rula's picture
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Stan, Mark, Geezer, Edna and last but not the least Mark.
Really appreciate all the reviews. I'll rework this hopefully soon taking into consideration your valuable critiques and suggestions.
Always appreciate it.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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