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• Last letter from the girl I love •

When I'm carried in your palms like an egg,
I feel like rolling like a ball in your hands.
'Cos I'm in love with how you touch and talk to me like a royal king's son.

You care for me like I'm all you have, but why have you gone to the dark side of the world?

I read in your last letter written with red ink and your drop of blood on it like a stamp illustrating your signature, you drew the shape of love like an apple.

Your words divided the red sea of my heart. I'm walking lonely on the road and talking alone, like a mad man.

When I remembered your words that put a comma, and full stop to my life.

I keep galloping on the shore, and shaking like a leaf frozen with snow and ice.

Do you know that your words put me half to death?
What will happen in the next chapter of my life, without you?

Will I, like a hero of the tale, die or live?
When the heroine you are meant to be is seen no more.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

a great poem here, but because of the constraints of translation into the English thought process, it loses the smoothness I know that it should have. I am sorely tempted to rewrite it for you as an person that speaks English as a first language. Let me give you a sample of how I think this might go.

I'm in love with how you touch me
How you talk to me like I am royalty
You treat me like I'm all that you have
But now, you have gone to the dark side
of the world and left me alone

I think that this has a lot of promise, read some more Neruda and see how he does it.

~ Geezer.
.

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Hmm! You're on point, thanks.

Collins

author comment

There are things about this poem I love and things that need some work. I love some of your imagery .. I love the opening line. But you have overdone the similes.... less is more unless you are going for a simile poem. Inn2 lines you have the word like 3 times... You start in the present when what you are describing is the past and it then clashes with the letter being read.
I think if you tone down a little of the imagery go a little simpler then the poem would hold more emotion.

OK. Ma'am. Thanks, a lot for reading.

Collins

author comment

for your next poem

I could have helped you here
but I dislike death poems
I have struggled years
rather decades to stay alive
there is only one life
It is my surmise

so in life I'd positively like to rise
and
help others likewise.

I can give you a fish to eat
but rather I'd lay a net
for you to catch aplenty
so more will share
what lies within
'tis sheer poetry
all neopoets know it

I appreciate your comment, that's life for us, every man or woman have come across one thing or the other, and each us have to adhere it as new lessons, and one will never want to repeat one mistake, again. Please, give me the many fish to eat,lol! So that I will write more enthralling things like you.

Collins

author comment

You still keep your girlfriend in mind till date that's true love,but I will advise you should take your time and edit this poem because it's a good one.

Lol! Thanks brother.

Collins

author comment
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