Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Hurricanes in the Mirror

Submitted by Rottiestyl on Sat, 2019-10-26 00:57

If you carry a bellyful of discontent for me; show it now
At this time all that breathes; squirms by my twisted actions
Hold their hand in this well earned malice and make me crawl
Do not appear in sudden flair of pity afterwards
Oh woe in my mirror; do not do this as my soul does witness this wretchedness
Nor enter behind me through a crack unguarded of this beaten fiend
Do not allow today’s hanging low of black cloudiness
turn to hurricanes in hours coming
Then delay a goal of measured depose
If your last walk beside me has come; do not stroll away forever
As the fiery indiscretions between us have singed a hole
But in the inception of the inevitable; my throat will taste the stinging bitterness
which lies worse in destiny
With other pains of misery; which now seem more desolate,
Cannot compare with this failure of keeping thee near.

K, Mulroney

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Okay all. This is a re-write by me of SHAKESPEARE'S SONNET #90. This is my interpetation. It is NOT written in Sonnet format. Sonnets ryhme. Mine does not. Mine is NOT a sonnet. Think of me taking mine and quickly rubbing it atop Shakespeares. Just to get his slight flavor. PLEASE!!! Look up SONNET #90 and read it. I was going to copy it under mine but didnt want to confuse anyone. Enjoy. K.
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

lovedly

Sat, 2019-10-26 01:21

lovedly's picture

the hurricane smashing my mirror
that's why you have not come
to smash my unread ones

yes I know I am no patch
but a broken edge
of a crushed up mirror

your poems are for me a wonder
your imagery only I desire to catch
all quickly and asunder ...lol

samary

Mon, 2019-10-28 18:20

samary's picture

Hi I am Sam.
I loved the idea of this but I dont think it quite works.
I love the title and it hooks the reader.
You have alliteration, assonance and a sprinkle of euphony but somehow you have knocked out all the cadence of Sonnet 90. I know you have no rhyme which skews the rhythm somewhat but even with the other tools the cadance isnt there. Maybe it has to do with word selection, you say you rubbed over lightly but your language is heavy and steeped more in Shakespeares time than 2019. Also the line length has increased and maybe it has become too wordy.
Its really interesting and perhaps my expectations were raised by the thought of a modern free verse interpretation of this Sonnet and it was an interpretation but rather heavy for light stroke. I think you should rethink your word choices, prune the line length a little and add more cadance which you could do with the right euphonic sounds and beefed up assonance and alliteration.

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.