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Your Turn

Submitted by Stone Fox on Tue, 2019-10-08 00:32

I prefer the shadows these days.
Brightness and "clarity" only blinds the fickle.
This darkness becomes me.

For I know what it feels like to be fire,
to be the element.
I was so tired
of wearing that jaggedely twisted unclean smile.

These traitorous painted lips smile at any excuse,
sometimes never refusing to stop.
Only a Jester's sinister grin
came close to being just as terrifying.

My new and improved stormy demeanor
came with a charming and intimidating scowl.
Mornings were finally productive
because i no longer found my reflection
mocking me with it's constant unwilling, gentle leer.

Finally,
it was your turn to smile like the menace.

My inner monster
was thrilled in the shadows,
no doubt already thinking up,
cruel ways to make it happen.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

c lynn brooks

Tue, 2019-10-08 08:55

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you bring the point home well. Seond verse is my favoriteI get the feeling of anger and disgust while reading.

Chrys

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Geezer

Tue, 2019-10-08 15:57

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of the dark side. I like what you have done here, but think it could be a bit smoother.
I feel that you can make a few adjustments and get a much easier read.

1]. Make it in the present tense all the way through. It gives it a little more of a menacing attitude.
2]. Remove the quotation marks from [clarity] you don't need them, they're only a distraction.
3]. Use [but] instead of and in the line: "Came with a charming, but intimidating smile".
4]. Avoid using a double negative in the line: " sometimes never refusing to stop ". [delete the never]

There are a few other things like deleting words that you don't need and rearranging some lines
so that they flow well in the present tense. You can make this poem, easier for the reader. This is the first I've read of your work, but I am going to read some of your others and I hope to gain a bettr understanding of your works as a whole. ~ Geezer.
.

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