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Prisms

even the simplest soul
is a prism
with many sides
history & hope
their desires & despairs
beliefs & belly aching
through which a rainbow
of personality
can be seen

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 

Comments

Firstly, and I know this is me, I am not a fan of using ellipsis or ampersands in poetry.

So, let's set that aside, because it is my prejudice and not germane to the work. I mention it because it colors my reply and you should be aware of it so you can ignore it. That is not mean facetiously. I believe it is important than any prejudices are displayed to serve as a definition of the filter in use.

Now, the work itself:

I like the thought and the message but am tripping on line 5. I believe "their" is both unnecessary and disruptive to the flow and clarity of the piece. It inserts a stumble during the read and upsets the rhythm of imagery.

To wit:

even the simplest soul
is a prism
with many sides
history & hope
desires & despairs
beliefs & belly aching
through which a rainbow
of personality
can be seen

I am interested in your thoughts.

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Jonathan Moore

Thanks Pugilist for your thoughtful response. I tend to like ampersands. I like juxtaposition and pairings. But I can see how people can consider it a short cut. For this one I feel like it works. It’s a simple poem, getting across a simple idea. I like to get more sophisticated sometimes. But I aim for simplicity at others. It’s almost like a proverb. Thanks for the rewrite, sharing your perspective. Greg

author comment

If you like the ampersands, use them. Critique should never be criticism, merely a conversation.

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Jonathan Moore

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