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Summer Love (July Contest)

Submitted by Sparrow on Fri, 2019-08-16 18:38

I scattered sand
Took shells from the sea
Made a wedding band
Just for you and me..

I wait with patience
For you to find me
Soft music makes sense
Palm trees planted three.

With truth we will talk
To plan a future
Tie a knot type walk
A soft love venture.

July it was for us
I had made in dreams
There you with no fuss.
A beautiful scene..

Sparrow..

Ian T

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
A repost of the July contest,
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
July Pleasures

Comments

IRiz

Fri, 2019-08-16 19:13

IRiz's picture
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Hello Sparrow!
Nice poem.
I found the first stanza to be very poetic!
The hole poem in the style of a folk song comes together with it. The last one is a little out of the style. Not sure I like the words "without fuss."
I object the everyday vibe of the word. But that could be just me.

IRiz

Sparrow

Fri, 2019-08-16 19:56

Sparrow's picture
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This was the poem I put in for the July Contest and it seems it won.
It was supposed to be in that penti thing so maybe there are a few places where the thing is forced a bit I hate writing in the formal way of poetry. Lovely to hear from you again, Have missed you and I am not here so much of late I am very busy each day, what eve happened to being retired LOL take care and lovely to wal with you, Yours Ian xx

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

author comment

Chiori

Sun, 2019-08-18 17:37

Chiori's picture

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmn
nice one sparrow
I enjoy the flow of the poem from line to line
thanks for sharing

always remember to make a critique of other poems
using the hoe is not madness for nothing

Sparrow 42

Tue, 2019-08-20 03:34

Many thanks for your visit and comment, I hope to clear some time soon to be able to read more of the Neopoet writes and make comments..
Thanks again, Yours Ian ..

Words can build a nation

lovedly

Sun, 2019-08-25 14:07

lovedly's picture

the judge did not read me
my folly
forgot to drop my skirt down
where it was to be stated
contest
I forjot
IAN

Sparrow

Sun, 2019-08-25 18:29

Sparrow's picture
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Iwas waiting for second place as always but you failed to turn ups lol.
Now I have to have money, and here was me looking forward to another cruise, Damn!!
You just make sure your entry for the next one is on time, it ends this week so hurry ups, I need another holiday..
Take care out there and know we think of you..
Yours Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

author comment

lovedly

Sun, 2019-08-25 23:15

lovedly's picture

I want an airfare round the world
so go see pl
all is in place
AUGUST'S is a
HOT Race

Sparrow

Mon, 2019-08-26 18:54

Sparrow's picture
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Just by a balloon, there is enough hot air on this site to take you around the world lol Take care my friend and look after you, Yours Ian ..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

author comment
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