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Bluesgirl (August Contest)

Ingénue harbinger
rainbow garden
morning dew
calloused oak leaves
weathered pine needles,
all catch virtuous awareness
within fragrant breezes
-pleasantness of spirit.

Juniper tiptoes
beyond boundaries of mind
to pansy beds
and wildflower magnificence.
Her eyes laden,
upon dampness she sits,
absorbs coolness of
lichen covered granite.
Fair weather oblivion
-meandering thoughts.

Body surfing, frenzied delight,
virgin white beach.
No bottle caps, empty cans
-human trash anywhere.
Sea water seventy degrees.
Underwater thunder, tumble… stop,
stands up, dripping, her eyes blurred.
Limp, she sings out laughing.

Distant nighttime approaches.
Slow walk towards sparkling river,
well-wishing friends.
No signs visible to order, warn or direct.

Letting out a sigh, she gathers attitude . . .
gracious for existence of dreams.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Last few words: 
Bluesgirl is my idealistic alter-ego.
Editing stage: 
Contest: 

Comments

I don't get the connection of your title to the poem. ~ Gee.
.

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I think when this was originally written back in 2007 she was an idealistic persona that I created.
Originally Bluzgirl was changed to Bluesgirl. Now there are 2 comments so a change in the title might remove the comments and begin the poem new. I'm not sure but if I am recalling correctly if the title is removed and a new one entered it will become a new submission.
Any ideas?
Thanks, and I hope the idea behind the title is more clear. Goes to show sometimes what may be clear to the author may be particular only to him or her.

Later,

~Mark~

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author comment

The Title Can be changed by just editing without the comments being lost. I have changed a couple of titles myself over the years.

The atmosphere in the poem is magical, being played out in a magical land. The first stanza is so soothing you are eager to continue the poem.

"dripping, blurry eyed and laughing." This line puts full heart into the second stanza.

In the third stanza she finally lifts off into the spiritual realm.

Only this line I find not totally clear, "There were no signs to order," Do yo mean, that would bring one to order? the problem is, that in our collective consciousness, to order, has a different meaning, .

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

Thank you for your time and opinion.
That line about signs was a take from the lyric:
"Sign, sign everywhere a sign, fucking up the scenery breaking my mind."
It just felt fitting there. Signs do order us do this or don't do that.
It is a part of the idealistic world of this dreamer I can be and others as well.

That in mind how would you change it now or would you?
Later,

~Mark~

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author comment

For me this is awkward writing. Your narrative intentions are fine but from my point of view its as if you have little vision of what makes language powerful or captivating which is at least as important as any story line.My wife has read a novel a week for 40 years and when I asked her how many of those books she remembers as outstanding in their narrative content she said very few or how many where beautifully written; she again quipped very few.

Ask yourself do you just plunk it out like lining up so many nuts and bolts?
Write the scaffolding or spine of an idea and then abandon the work?
Is every word a short vowel stub?
Are your phrases corrupted by to many articles?
Do you appreciate the power of potent metaphors?
Are the sonic elements flat?
Does the closing of the poem open the reader up
EX:
She dreamed
of sky castles floating
in voluptuous gardens
drinking dusky rain

night falls
shrouding a caressed leaden abyss
and juniper stretches forever
its tangled arteries

You are 100% correct. This was one of my first online posts and I had a lot to learn, still do.
I'll keep it but work on another version.
Thanks, Z

~Mark~

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author comment

I'm willing to work with you.... Just ask I'm always concerned about feelings. It seems to me that the best way to improve is to fall in love with great poetry and steal its fire
Ive learned so much from Plath Joyce and many others to include great prose and screen writing ie to read it ...to love it ...and than make it yours Z

It is at least workable now.
To be continued.

~Mark~

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author comment

This is a lush poem of fantastic imagery and style. It kind of makes me think about "The Girl From Ipanema" I don't know why it's just an image that comes to mind when I read it. It makes me see how much I need to learn to write anywhere near as good as you. You are so in control of it . It's wonderful

B9Pat

You have as much a talent as anyone else in this contest and could win it.
Thanks,

~Mark~

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author comment

Thank you for your kind words. They meant a lot to me.

Patty

Subject matter: Well, it's summer time so let's dig up something about time spent of the lake or beach. Try to keep it under 24 lines. Any form will work. Only prewritten poems and don't forget to put (Aug. contest) next to title
Subject says try ...Oh well, I'd rather try to make it more than it was and challenge myself.
Stan, thanks, it was good for me no matter :~)
Truly,

~Mark~

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author comment

Thats transformational Mark !!!!!
I can really feel you buddy workin this and I'm personally delighted and impressed to see it
My suggestion is to back into it again. A poem can be like sweeping a floor. First we go over it again and pick up another layer of dust and then deepen the refining process. We may chew over it, make it eloquent and the more we do it on each and every piece the better we get
So now what?
In my opinion you need to make every word and line count Think of each verse as a complete poem in order to narrow your focus
EX:
An ingénue harbinger,....why An? why not.....
ingénue harbinger,
in a rainbow garden
favored by early morning dew,,,,why favored by....an early morning dew

where early morning dew
within fragrant breezes....within seems awkward
She eased her mind open to felicity, awkward absent of eloquence or just clarity
Dont try to be fancy
Good writing is not fancy it just appears that way to the uninitiated because they dont know what they're reading
EX: pairing down and using verbs instead of conjunctions like "and" create narratives instead of lists
One has to be aware of linguistic necessities
REwrite as EX:

ingénue harbinger,
in a rainbow garden
falls early morning dew,
where calloused oak leaves float
on brown pine needles
brightening fragrant breezes
that curl wafting perfumed fragrance

and happiness ascended
like a honeymoon of kissing flowers

...a metaphor can say felicity better then the word sometimes because it paints a picture instead of being a mere identifier of happiness
What do you think Is this making sense?

and I do believe I am ready to wax it,
Thanks so much,

~Mark~

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author comment

Many thanks ...I really appreciate that
I suggest that on the next poem it would be a good move not to post until you have absolute confidence in it.
Then when its reviewed any comment will be very meaningful to you and we will watch your learning curve soar. Its been a hard lesson for me to not to be too anxious to post. I still am going back to older poems and fixing because I'm still evolving If you ever listen to the most renown writers that process is critical for them too Every word is puzzled and chewed over I do protracted word searches . Reading good poets is our food. It gives us enhanced sensibilities and high standards

a verse from Plath because I love her to pieces

It works, there is nothing wrong with it.
You have a hole, it's a poultice.
You have an eye, it's an image.
My boy, it's your last resort.
Will you marry it, marry it, marry it.

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