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Life's Partners
even for those
afraid to get out
and smell life's roses
there are the thorns
we fear
we are more used to
prepared for
the pain
than we know
the existential prick
that is partner
to the vaginal bliss
life drips
with honey
wakes us up
with the sting
of the bee
all of this happens
in the heart
readying us for more
and more pleasure
the aching
the piercing
of light
breaking through
the darkness
we are life's mates
through thick
and thin
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Comments
Geezer
Sun, 2019-08-04 11:23
A bit cryptic at first...
I think that I have figured it out. Kind of like Yin and Yang, there has to be pain and bliss, without an opposite, there is no direct. All the examples you gave had opposites. I like the brevity and the starkness of the idea. Language is good and the read flows well to a logical conclusion. ~ Geezer.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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tyro
Thu, 2019-08-08 05:36
I like the idea and the
I like the idea and the execution: only, I find this a more powerful ending:
the aching
the piercing
of light
breaking through
the darkness
Your summing up in the last stanza not only dilutes the power of the preceding stanza, but seems only a weak afterthought, which is not really necessary at all.
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
IRiz
Fri, 2019-08-09 13:09
gregwa8, hello!
gregwa8, hello!
Nice write as always.
I am not sure are "we" part of those who is afraid?
even for those
afraid to get out
and smell life's roses
there are the thorns
we fear
we are more used to
(be?) prepared for
the pain
than we know
do you mean, we are more prepared for pain than we know?
the existential prick
that is partner
to the vaginal bliss
( i am not sure how prick can be a partner of bliss. It bends my mind)
life drips
with honey
wakes us up
with the sting
of the bee
(I love these lines.)
all of this happens
in the heart
(do you need heart? it is so overused.)
readying us for more
and more pleasure
(life's stinging is readying us for pleasure is an interesting thought.)
I would remove some of the line-spaces in the following stanza, for clarity:
the aching
the piercing of light
breaking through
the darkness
we are life's mates
through thick and thin
IRiz
zebra
Sun, 2019-08-11 13:44
I like the sentiment of this
I like the sentiment of this and nicely put as a statement but at least by my sense of things im looking for something more complex in effect, more resonant sonically and more eloquent
By naming something you may claim it like vagina; but what does it mean to you besides its nomenclature
EX:
garden
a purple mouth flower
with pink steps and tears
temple of the sacred
I'm not saying to use this; in fact better not, or write florid turn of the century but to sit with it longer use thesaurus . read widely and develop your craft
Part of the art is not to over or under tell The message needs to be comingled with something that haunts the heart Does she levitate if you hold her down?