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Primal Poetry Phase 2 UPDATE

Tunneling through
the smell of earth
the worm I am.
Others move next to me
and break into my furrow
only a little though
I am moving too fast to
stop for them
alone in my narrow row
water seeping in
it’s cold
I move faster now
with no one in my way
I stay moving
through the smell
no hunger here only fear
I need help. No, I don’t
onward to that sound
breaking through the ground
rising up above
There is a light in gold
it’s warm
I found my home
I am the worm
I see a creature coming,
to me it rushes in
plucks me up
and swallows me
I am in the earth again
tunneling through
on my way I move

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Workshop: 

Comments

Your write was very good, but you have given a picture of your Physical journey not the one of Spirit we are reaching for.
This is one of the most difficult things we have been asked to do.
There is a need to become free, drifting with your spirit losing the physical touch.
I have many touches with Spirit they work with Unconditional love and energy of the universe.

To do this exercise we must learn to let go, this is the hardest thing to do and many find it impossible, then you also need to be with someone who knows where you are going.
Then this task of writing a drift into a state of trance is hard.
I hope this is of use to you as I recall you are close to Spirit in your ways,
Yours as always as we walk the same pathway..
Sparrow.x

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

My experience began with listening to the drums (Youtube long version). With my eyes closed, I saw the images I recorded here. I had to listen to that sound again to write them down because I couldn't interrupt the 'movie' I was watching. I must admit, I do not understand your description of this piece as a "physical" journey since all thoughts become a physical form once they become written words. All I can say in my defense is that for me, this process was a free-flowing visual experience.

Respectfully,

Marthalyn

author comment

This was very well written. I think we each experience these exercises differently and it means different things to us. I think you described the emotions and what you were feeling physically and emotionally very well. I like your description in the comments of this being a 'movie' you were watching. It certainly feels like a movie when you are floating above yourself and watching the events of your subconscious unfold. All in all, a good write.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

I appreciate your notation regarding expressing emotions, even though I had none until the words were formed for the telling of the movie I had watched during this process. If there is emotion in it, perhaps it is a response from the reader because I felt nothing about it until I had read it myself. It was then that I recognized me and my meaning.

Respectfully,

Marthalyn

author comment

I understand the thought on both sides of the critique. Jess and I were/are looking for the essentials of the thoughts. My first was much the way you write this one. I think that I did much better the second time around. ~ Geezer.
.

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I found this profoundly moving, romantic, not in the 'love story' sense, but in the transcendent sense, an all encompassing experience.

I really get that you are allowing yourself into yourself, most people can't or won't.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

I appreciate your recognition of the intimacy in my process. For me, it was a risky move to let it happen, however, I truly found it empowering after all.

Respectfully,

Marthalyn

author comment

you are recognising why I am so passionate about this process. It truly is the primal spiritual poetic experience. This coming from a profound sceptic.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

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