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By The Fall

Submitted by gregwa8 on Fri, 2019-06-28 21:07

like looseleaf
going over
a waterfall

this ambling pen writes
into white water

words that tumble
into the depths
of humanity and heartbreak

the dark roil
and staring
into hungry fishes'
unblinking eyes

they've seen so much
(all the river carries)
submerged
in sorrow

and when not caught
in their gaping maws

seen them resurface
to amble again
just the same

but changed
by the fall

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

zebra

Sun, 2019-06-30 12:42

zebra's picture

This is stronger writing than I remember

what do you prefer

words that tumble
words tumble
into depths.....this is paired down; less gilded like
into the depths
of humanity and heartbreak

heartbreak ….I like simple words but they kill a poem sometimes when they are so overused or not sonically interesting I mean how many times have you heard the term?
Does it make the write predictable?
Do you think predictable language shuts the reader down literally putting them to sleep?

think of alternatives
crushed souls, loveless , pitiless, smashed, mutilated , a cold knife heart. a fallen rose

of humanity; fallen rose

is the above to the point ...do you like its symbolic power, is it synesthetic/ can you smell its fragrance and feel the pain?

Best Z

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