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A conversation

Submitted by bjucks on Mon, 2019-06-17 13:29

While fragile mind beckoned to heart,
shouting out pretenses of doubt and sorrow,
the heart began listening with the dark.
Patron of truth, yet now, and tomorrow.

"The choice of thee to push me far away."
Still thou beckon and believe lies!
Egos victory, looming each passing day.
Thou lack of faith, portraying slow demise.

While eclipses pass and stars set to burst;
agony of your soul will come and go.
Timely glimpses within our universe.
Eternal peace I hope you come to know.

Abide the rhythm, with each shakey breath.
Among-st certain chaos, your story is kept.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

Cloudthings

Fri, 2019-06-21 11:12

Cloudthings's picture

That's not a bad thing, I wanted to do it justice. My sense is that there are some great lines, I just got distracted by a couple of minor things... It's not a criticism, just letting you know how it lands... the use of thee & thou is fine, but if it isn't consistent in the work, it can be slightly jarring (just takes you out of the flow)... In fact the first verse is quite marvellous , I wonder if you just changed the YOU, to THOU (sorry, I wanted to use italics, but there's no option here) in the middle of the 2nd stanza, it would make all the difference ... The other suggestion is trifling really, I wondered if "souls agony would come & go" might fit better with the style you have chosen to flavour your poem, rather than "Agony of your soul will come & go"?
Otherwise, wonderful write.

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

bjucks

Fri, 2019-06-21 13:07

bjucks's picture

I love knowing how it lands to somebody who's able to see the fine details. I was just playing around with some structured form which is new to me, and was trying to focus on the rhymes. But ah yes the flow can halt when your not consistent with all the old style of wording choosen. Will take into account all those marvelous suggestions! Thanks my dear

"There is no way to peace, peace is the way."
A.J muste

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