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Reading a book

If everyone was reading a book right now
How quiet it would be
The deluge of skin-flakes
Our shorted-out bodies
Whirling without a gunshot
The flaccid wonder of us
The hundreds-and-thousands of our eyes

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

grasp the meaning here. I just didn't see the significance of the "whirling without a gunshot" maybe that's what threw me. ~ Geezer.
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Am in NZ post Chch mosque massacre I guess and trying to transition from childrens poetry to adult.

author comment

the thought behind the "Whirling without a gunshot" better now, but I'm still not convinced of it's validity. however, I do understand the poem as a whole, better! I am going to see those lines ; "The flaccid wonder of us" and the "hundreds and thousands of our eyes", in a different light. I do believe that you are disappointed in the reaction of the rest of the world and the T.V. crews that constantly cover these things for the rest of us. ~ Geezer.
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Cheers. You may be right. It was only a trial poem, or part of a poem which seemed a bit clumsy to me anyway. "gunshots" are rare in this country and I look after children and think of the impact.

author comment

Okay, now that you have had a trial, what do you think? It is not so hard, making the transition from children's poetry to adult stuff, keep seeing with the mind of the child and writing with the strength of an adult. I think that you have some good poetry bottled up and when you get going, you will be just fine. ! Good luck in your journey as a poet and tread our site often. ~ Geezer.
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