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My Thoughts (Reviewd)

Submitted by lovedly on Wed, 2019-04-17 18:05

My thoughts are my thoughts
or am I dreaming
are these my thoughts
or yours
I don't know still

does our mind ever read
other's thoughts
I don't know
but do not instil

yet my thoughts resound
and
rebound
the voice of many
are these thoughts
of any use to any

but without these
one can't convey
what's hidden
beneath the surf of stress
the mind's domain

but one must be re- assured
that thoughts alone live down
memory’s lane

neither mine
nor yours
but they're encased
in digital form

to be read millennia hence
by newer generations thence
who will visit thought museums
which tell of days to come.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Eumolpus

Wed, 2019-04-17 23:30

Eumolpus's picture

I think we all imagine our minds can connect in some ways, and certainly art is our way to try. many things really work so nicely like this striking image

one can't convey
what's hidden
beneath the surf of stress
the mind's domain

I would drop the word "only" in the first stanza.

I'm good to the last word. I get what you're trying to say, but "whence" as an end doesn't work,it is forced with "guess" it is archaic and used awkwardly. So many options to change it,,like end it as a couplet...example

to be read millennia hence
by newer generations thence
who visit thought museums
which tell of days to come.

I so like the language. It's perfect. My own personal aesthetic does not like "thee" and "ye" in poems written in the 21st century, especially if the rest of the language is vernacular. Here is a smooth ride of words, nicely dressed up for the occasion.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Geezer

Thu, 2019-04-18 08:34

Geezer's picture
Volunteer badge

Lovedly, you constantly surprise me! Well, not constantly, but very often. Every now and then, you remind me that you think deep thoughts! Nice work! I agree whole heartedly with Eumoplus, those changes will make the difference. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

lovedly

Thu, 2019-04-18 11:31

lovedly's picture

now on neo
my only lovedly
mentors
shall review Eumo

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