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Explosive

Submitted by gregwa8 on Wed, 2019-04-03 00:42

We can’t see mines
So too our minds
Are buried
Waiting to explode
With just a brush
Of the lips
With just a suggestion
Or a question
The world can be
Set ablaze
With war or peace
The tongue
Like the pin in a grenade
Detonating
The beginning or ending
Of love

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Olaniyi Beloved...

Wed, 2019-04-03 10:29

Olaniyi Beloved Abimbola's picture

"...The world can be
Set on fire
With war or peace..."

This leaves me thinking if the world can be set on fire with "peace"..

Perhaps the word peace should have featured in a preceding line...It could also come as a quencher of the explosive.

My thought.

OLANIYI BELOVED ABIMBOLA
belovedabim

Geezer

Thu, 2019-04-04 17:27

Geezer's picture
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I'm having trouble with that line too! I would just delete the "with war or peace" and it becomes smoother, taking that diversion out of the theme. I thought there was plenty to think about with just the hint of a romance in there. However, in re-reading it, I do understand the line. Maybe you could rework it a bit so that it fits better or add another line to make it? ~ Geezer.
.

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