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Always, Never

Submitted by gregwa8 on Thu, 2019-03-21 00:02

It’s never no question
We’re always a little up in the air
We’ve got a brain
Full of gravity
But still a little bit of an empty stare

It’s never just right
There’s always a bit of mystery
We’ve got a soul
Full of fire
But an ocean full of bitter history

It’s always a time bomb
It's just a matter of if it’s ticking
Or about to explode
We’re either traveling or gotten there
It’s about the destination
But also the road

It’s always a seedling
The DNA that grows and grows to the sky
We’ve got peaks and got valleys
But there’s a part of us that
Always remembers to try

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Cloudthings

Thu, 2019-03-21 08:25

Cloudthings's picture

I work so hard to see only the positives in things, but I don't realise until I read something like this that it's like I feel it as a slap (internally to me I mean, "you can't express the negatives, they'll stick on you!" kind of inner dialogue!)... But I remember feeling just this kind of thing before I taught myself not to... not saying you are wrong to do so, just saying it gets in the way of me enjoying the content (which is my problem! not yours)... Otherwise I really liked the whole thing. I especially liked the last 3 lines in the first 2 stanzas - they had a wonderful punch & admirable expression:
"We’ve got a brain
Full of gravity
But still a little bit of an empty stare

...We’ve got a soul
Full of fire
But an ocean full of bitter history"

Great job, I had some thoughts on making it run smoother, but I'm not sure you are so interested in that kind of thing... let me know if you want me to elaborate - it's just some of the rhythm is not quite as uniform as it might be?

Still says a lot to me though.

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

gregwa8

Thu, 2019-03-21 16:09

gregwa8's picture

Anni, thx for the attentive read and your personal thoughts. I’d love your rhythm feedback

author comment

Cloudthings

Mon, 2019-03-25 14:41

Cloudthings's picture

I'm having trouble with my keyboard, & it's after 5am, so I'll do that tomorrow.

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

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