Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Lost Youth
Once I went to the fair
On the green near my house
I went with my friend
She was my only friend
And we went together
Just us walking amongst
Other fair goers
Being cool
Feeling lost
Smelling popcorn
And wet grass underfoot
Then spinning and turning
Whirling metal
With screeching brakes
And voices
Tinged with hysteria
Screaming music
beat
beat
Beating and thumping
Shaking me
Shaking us
Awakening something
It was dark then
And the twinkling lights of colour
Surrounded us
Blurring and blinking
Like ships on the black night sea
When you are on the beach
In the dark
Looking out
The lights floating like stars
Untethered
Free
And beckoning me
To come home
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
Geezer
Tue, 2019-03-12 11:09
The title...
is okay, but give it a little more thought. I know that it is kinda like naming your dog or cat and then deciding to change the name, but sometimes it just needs doing, to bring the poem to the attention of folks that might just pass it by. Now, to things I think might make it flow a bit better. I would cut some of the lines a little short and maybe combining a couple. Here is my take:
I went with my only friend
Together, walking amongst
The other fairgoers
Smelling popcorn
With wet grass underfoot
Being cool
Feeling a bit lost
Eliminate the [and turning] to make it just:
Then spinning, whirling metal
With screeching brakes
And finally; Delete the [and] [home] doing just:
Beckoning me
To come...
Being an old "Carnie" I understand the poem very well
and I think you have captured the essence nicely. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Lindsay
Tue, 2019-03-12 15:26
Hi Geezer
Thanks so much for that. I never really thought about the title, but think you are right, its not exactly inspiring, so will give that some thought. I also like your idea of eliminating the 'and turning' as it sound better, although to me the turning reminds me of the octopus at the fair which I used to go on!! I would keep the first verse more as it is only because to me, it is slightly childish the way it sounds, like a young teen, which is where this memory comes from. Thank you so much for your comments, its really great to be made to think differently about what is written.
Regards
Lindsay
author commentGeezer
Wed, 2019-03-13 10:15
Like I always say...
It is your work and your choice, to use or discard any or all suggestions and criticisms. I get it better now. Thank you for explaining your mood and remembrances of the fair as a young teen. I said earlier, that I had been a "carnie" and I ran the Octopus! It was an awesome ride then and still [even in these days of ever increasingly terrorizing rides], is a great ride! Nice to hear about it. Thanks, ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Geezer
Wed, 2019-03-13 10:18
By the way...
I do like the changes that you have made. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Cloudthings
Thu, 2019-03-14 08:29
Feels like pure nostalgia
What a sweet picture... well, not completely sweet actually.. there's realistic edges to it... It made me think back to how fairgrounds have equal measure of seediness & a sense of being unsafe & vulnerable, as well as that fairy tale, tra-la-la, let's go to the fair & have a jolly good time... these are the experiences of awakening & daring as 2 young girls, in my experience, & it also feels like you included a bit of it here
These lines really came home to me:
Then spinning and turning
Whirling metal
With screeching brakes
And voices
Tinged with hysteria
Screaming music
beat
beat
Beating and thumping
Shaking me
Shaking us
Awakening something
Cheers
Anni
My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"
Lindsay
Sat, 2019-03-30 07:02
Thank you Anni!
I am glad you identified with it, and I agree, its that mixture of fairy tale fair and dangerous place to be!! Irresistible when in your teens :)
author comment