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The last say

Brick by brick, darkness climbs
Weighing down cosmic energy
Basking in its bile effects
How did it ever come to this?

An overwhelming thought to think
Ending present agony that persists
With something as simple as a 'click'
Or maybe, a pop, drop or swallow
Eyes shut while bandaid rips
Releasing the guilt to follow
Will it fade quick?
Childhood memories flood medial lobe
When innocence reigned and love ruled

Eyes open - to barren abyss
Zero sense of silent surrounding
The sounds crash, but off what?
It's just I here, fading to dust
Into the shallows, a grey dimension
The void in between
Time carrys on without my cells and blood
Love trys to echo and mend
Leaving behind only more pain
No longer capable to hold, nor see
Say my name for the last time
Say it out of existence
Grieve me as you may
To late to turn back now
The devil had the last say

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
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Editing stage: 

Comments

About suicide. Really good images set a real taste of the pain in the readers mouth. Before when innocense reigned..
I’m not getting the last line. What’s the” devil” got to do with it. Perhaps if you included some image of the devils role in all this for the reader...

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Thank you. Innocence is precious..especially in the world we live in today. I'm glad the imagery was there for you as a reader. I didnt think of adding more to the verse about the devil. I thought it would be good to end it with his dark force 'winning'. But perhaps with some revisitation a clearer picture of the 'devils' role will be portrayed better. Thanks for the critique

Bjucks

"In order to truly feel alive, we must live bravely. That means not being ruled by our greatest fears."

author comment

...

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

You missed an O on the first to, 2nd last line - I don't really like rewriting others work, but I felt if you revisited this with a bit of distance you'd notice that there are some rhymes you could clean up with better words... eg:
An overwhelming thought I (to) think
An end to (Ending present) agony that persists
With something as simple as a 'click'
Or maybe, a pop, drop or swallow
Eyes shut while bandaid rips
Releasing the guilt to follow
Will it fade quick?

However, I think it's such a personal thing, maybe writing it that way works for you for some reason & you are not looking for smoother reading/rhyming/rhythm.

Good one.

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

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