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Mother

Submitted by zebra on Thu, 2019-03-07 16:34

mother kiss me like candles burn wax
while i drink your flower petal milk

gummy mouth baby boy
wants to suck your lovely breasts
little fingers grasping ample flesh
popping nipples like crazy puckers

i have never known

in truth i never really knew you at all
not your loving heart
not your milk giving
not your abandoned soul
your sadness
nor understood
the betrayal of father

you're just a floating face now
except of course for your inner trembling
and white knuckle desolation

your bleeding heart is in me

mother your élan pulses through my marrow

and i see you in so many women
through their soft eyes that breathe me in

those women dreaming of love
for a man they never knew
and hopes of a better life they never had

feeling you mother
and a vapors coil from light
in the theater of your ghost

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Geezer

Thu, 2019-03-07 17:28

Geezer's picture
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There are many things I can see here, I guess this would give a little insight to your view on women.
Adoring them and yet... As a certain T.V. personality would say; "Verrrrrrry Interesting. Slight typo in
line: " [you're] just a floating face". What else could the title be? Your language use is superb as always and it was an interesting theme, that due to your treatment, flowed smoothly from beginning to end. I'm a fan!
~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

zebra

Fri, 2019-03-08 10:57

zebra's picture

Thank you my friend for the spell check and kind comment.... all very appreciated ;)

Best Z

author comment

Eumolpus

Fri, 2019-03-08 02:44

Eumolpus's picture

Good power. Some images are starting...white knuckle desperation ..the theater of your ghost. It is a most personal poem with immediate accessibility of the subject. Hard to write and the pain is on the page. Good write!

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

zebra

Fri, 2019-03-08 10:56

zebra's picture

For me emotional content like that is rare. If writing poems was dependent on that exclusively I would hardly ever write at all Your compliment is deeply appreciated

Many thanks Z

author comment

Cloudthings

Sun, 2019-03-10 23:30

Cloudthings's picture

Fantastic... this poem hit the spot! Powerful & cutting through the crap to raw energetic reflection. I think I feel a bit dizzy from it's fast paced, 'in your face' application. I am VERY impressed. & once again I feel humbled to be among writers with such skill to reduce us to awed reverie. I don't know that you need to change anything, but to offer my critique, if it did anything, it flipped me, I wasn't sure where it was going (not necessarily a bad thing). I've been meaning to come explore your work, glad to have found this one.
Well done.

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

zebra

Mon, 2019-03-11 04:40

zebra's picture

Thank you very much Anni
Your comment is so appreciated!!!!!
Best Z

author comment
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