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She Turns Me On

palace of lights caved
blooms through the body
like reality pitted against a comic book
not knowing where life came from
not knowing how it will end
with food tubes or road kill

is creation substance-less?
24 carat nonsense,
or pure wisdom?

perhaps bad therapy
for lab animals
voodoo dummies

monkeys shudder at needles
unless candied with a heroin syringe
chemistry a science of belligerence and euphoria
pleasure before despair
and than a sea of pain

and a fuck;

impaling her
the lushly contoured female
a frictionless exchange of power
for orgasms ecstatic death
as her eyes bob and flutter
like screaming hyenas

my birth tarot card
cock of swords
her favorite when I push through her
like blood bubble gum

b l o o d b u b b a b u b b le g u m

a scum cathedral of lights flicker spit
guttural diphthong
like a vipers castanets
uterine fire bursts like an appendix bomb
her cunt a zoo
c u n t z o o
i am peanuts worms and hay
her face a mask to hide behind

breath play
sibilant hump
specter or nightmares
shadows and villains aphrodiac
gagged and drugged
hot bitch bound
a big eyed slut

s l u t l o v e

sex cannibals turn me on
her rectum a goddess
a Russian roulette
for shtttty kisses
sploosh
she shot me

cuckoo spit
ko cuck ko koo
twizzles willie milk
in a drowning
moss draped moon orifice
under a shattered zodiac

wrapped in tentacles of night
she turns me on

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
sexual content perverse
Editing stage: 

Comments

For me the highlights of the poem is this clever devise:

her cunt a zoo
c u n t z o o

a big eyed slut
s l u t l o v e

I would build the poem around this devise, all the way through, it may make for a more exciting read as these images play so. It adds a new layer of possibilities. Just a thought.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

ill consider this; I've seen this devise used to great effect. I'll have to reflect a bit on how exactly to employ. Cunt zoo was a natural. At this point it would really be forced to go into a repetition for me and require that I completely restructure the poem and remove what eminence it may have

I read a piece by a Chinese woman I absolutely loved. The recurring line was "You did not come to live with me"
It was about the empty promises of her long distance lover to join her but never did over many years and how she waited She wrote the piece near death
"You did not come to live with me"

That poem set a high bar for the use of the device. It gathered the poems force of emotion to tears.

Best Z

author comment

It was a good read, but I tthink at a point it became too long and uninteresting

Hommies

To say a poem is to long Dray is to say nothing unless you have a reason besides being bored
Your comment is at least as much about your own attention span as anything
Im open to critique but you have come through with something meaningful

What lines are boring
How would you end the poem to make it better or shorten it
what are your suggestions linguistically
Is my language weak or flat footed

When I'm critiqued I have to feel the review sees something and can touch on something that illuminates and helps me see more clearly

To review another's work means being incisive

Best Z

author comment

Countenance of poppy red
then dead angelic white

nice lines ..curious, where are they from?
many thanks for the comment ;)

Best Z

author comment

sounds right to me bro ;)

author comment

I do agree the revisions do add some spice and humor to the poem. Breaks up the narrative with nice word play . Nice!

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Very appreciated !!!!

author comment

if you have had a typo or a misspell and usually it doesn't matter much. But this time, I simply must know [as it will change the feel of that spot in the poem for me.] Did you mean: [Heroine or heroin]?
~ Geezer.
.

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They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

Its a typo heroin, the drug,,,Thank you for pointing that out ...I hate when I do that; will fix DAH ;)

author comment

I was just wondering if the word maybe had a double meaning. LoL That definitely would have made the thought different.

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They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

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