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FRIDAY NIGHT FRIGHTS

her body a sack of tubes
open wounds
like wet braided mouths
muttering thunder tunnels

she watching Friday night frights
of a cruel image,
a man; with sledge hammer genitals
looking at her through a shivered mirror

desire holds her transfixed
like a blink less eye staring
at a pinned butterfly

her hunger panged tongue
locomotes side to side
in fidget spirals
brewing red lipped bubbles
like gagged
weeping cuneiform tears
imagining
an immortal portrait of lusts tribe
while downy mists of dancing worms
eat scattered apples

with love that moves destiny
disobediently grinning
like a jeering peninsula
she imagined a coil of swollen barbs
a sea of cocks
rapturous arched tongues
licking clitoris urethra tornados
and flooding summer tide music
like witches whistle through cat bones

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
sexual content
Editing stage: 

Comments

did it's job and brought me in, although it didn't have to work too hard at it. [I most generally read your stuff as a matter of course]. I'm always amazed that you make some of the words that you put together work and so your language is great! You know I like your themes and your "Heroine" keeps [not sure the proper word is integrity], but the closest I can come. She makes her case for her addiction smoothly and consistently all the way through. ~ Geezer.
.

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Many Thanks Geezer

Well I must confess I love to make the female the lascivious culprit partly because women are forced in civic life to extinguish their needs in spite of how critical they are to their well being ie the catastrophe of shame; their straight line from desire to suffocation. So while I am at least as guilty as any of them and am an admitted perv I know I wont be blamed directly if I characterize their scandalous secret and most sacred urning.
If they are the fruit I guess ill admit to being the worm that eats them to undo the shared burden of emptiness, at least in poetry :)

author comment

"with love that moves destiny
disobediently grinning
like a jeering peninsula"... pieces that takes nd tests

Mario Vitale

Thank you Mario …. Very appreciated !!!!! ;))

author comment

yours works best when I read it aloud. It does feel to me like it has the prophetic tone of the beat movement, as I have now give you the crown of the "best erotic beat" poet I know.
Doesn't even need the bongos in the background.

The sound of a poem is like the color in a painting, and you have some very good sounds here.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

...and may I add the only erotic beat poet you know..... Haahaahaa :)
Having said that Im delighted and truly encouraged with the compliment, especially coming from you ,,,very !!!!!!!!

author comment

such powerful imagery. "desire holds her transfixed like a blink less eye staring at a pinned butterfly." along the lines of the title, the poem is both grotesque and titilating.

Many thanks for you so very kind comment
I really appreciate that you like the write :)
Best Z

author comment

So i did a quick read for you,
hope my Aussie accent doesn't spoil it too much.
Hey! He's right as usual, it works really well.

https://soundcloud.com/neopoet/friday-night-frights-by-zebra

Something I always do when reading is copy and paste into Word and replace all the line breaks and paragraph breaks with either spaces or full stops, so the text sets its own cadence. It shows up weaknesses in meter whilst also demonstrating how well it works naturally. This displays your rather brilliant wordcraftmanship. I would not even consider doing a video of this! Don't even think about asking [grins]

Bloody love that last line.

May I post this to our Neopoet Facebook page? And if so would you like some other accreditation than 'zebra'? Are you a member of our Neopoet Facebook page?

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Got it about meter and breaks. Ill work on that and please know how much I appreciate your feedback and so many thanks for the critique and beautiful read. I consider it an honor!!!!!

author comment
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