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Wall Scripts

walls hold stories
aged under layers of paint
piled one over the other
pink, blue, scarlet, off white
like cover pages of a book
reminders of
the shades and smells
faded over time

a mirror on the wall
flips page after page
making me hop, step and jump
into the present

I jump out of the window
knock on the door
listening to the echoes of songs
playing in rewind

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

I just have to question the last line...that high pitch noise, a shrill of alien sound, of songs played in rewind...which I guess means via tape as is the only way to "rewind"..just can't catch that image with the wall. Just ending with

listening to the echoes songs

works for me. Anybody else agree?

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Thanks for sparing your valuable time to read my scribbles
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raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

this is a great write, my friend!
i like the imagery,
the idea,
the bitterness, and the echoes of the wind chimes.

the list of colors talks to the list of your memories, and reinforced by the image of the the pages of your life flipping in front of your eyes in the mirror (great figurative speech).
Your jumping out of the window and then knocking on the door made me think. Don't you think that jumping is a kind of final act? are you knocking in the gates of post life? I associate echo and chimes with ghosts. Was it your intention?
Thank you very much for another delightful write.

Sincerely your friend, Irene

IRiz

Appreciate sparing your valuable time to read my scribbles

many thanks and regards
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raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

don't say scribbles and don't be angry with me
i am a slow reader and only write comments when i mean them

IRiz

not at all angry...i respect time of others and their choices...
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raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I like walls too. They tell tales but often hold secrets too. As this poem illustrates the tales they tell can be defined by the listener as much as the teller....stan

Thanks Stan for taking time to read my scribbles and comment. Appreciated.
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raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

As stan say's walls have many secrets, and as your poem says stories to tell. Sitting here I look at my own walls, and wonder what stories they would be telling. But we humans can build many different walls, some only in our heads. I think this is part of what your poem is saying. Regards Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

Thanks Roscoe for taking time for reading my scribbles and your analysis. Appreciated..
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raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

:( I liked the old version better,
why did need to make it into completely different poem?
why don't you write a new one?

IRiz

Ok IRiz...will give it a thought and may be revert to the original version.
.....................................................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

i want to post the original on Instagram with your permission.

IRiz

it would be my privilege even to think that you find it worth posting on Instagram. Feel free friend Wait, I'll revert to the original....

P.S.: I've now reverted to the original
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raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I have on two different backgrounds.
Look tomorrow in the InstaFolder , the link in my last blog.

IRiz

found one via the link on a blue background which brought on an instant smile. Thanks. You've said two backgrounds, so will keep an eye to see the other one.

P.S.: Just now found the other one too on a brownstone relic...looks pretty appropriate background for the theme....you are so artistic...thanks again dear friend...
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raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I don't have the Neopoet login yet, i will start posting there soon.
Pls let me know if you want to change anything, we still have plenty of time.

IRiz

are you saying the location would change once you have the neopoet login?
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raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

no i will post it publicly Neopoet Instagram

IRiz

Ok. Will do
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raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I hope you don't mind me leaving
a few thoughts ... I really like the imagery
here, could the poem be improved, sure.

There is usually room for improvements.
Your title is lazy, give it a name that follows
your theme which isn't really walls, it is what
is contained within.

Some of the music needs tweaking here and
there but that part is up to you and your reading
aloud. The words "the shade" can be omitted to
help the flow and they are redundant because
"shadow" is pretty much the same thing..

I'd also remove the first "jump" which is in
the second stanza ....

again, I hope you don't mind, great content
peeling back the layers.

thanaks for posting

thanks for finding time to read and comment...i do agree with some of your suggestions and shall adopt them...however the "jump" in second stanza is relevant to indicate that i reminisce about the stories and then quickly brought back to the present...besides hop step jump i believe has a good rhythm...

thanks again
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raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment
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