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The Witches

Submitted by zebra on Thu, 2018-11-08 12:39

the witches
they don't take no shit

feminists with a wand
made from a femur
wrapped in pubic hair,
fingernails, and spit

no
not good little passive girls
although amused by a good spanking
for laughs that titillate
from a red wicked dicked old man
with slippery fireballs
like a spicy cherry pepper
that slurps filths coves
through a black tongue
and open-mawed bite

femdom's queens
oiled torsos and bond fires
drenched ornaments for laughing snakes
that spread like spider webs
while the whips flash licks
hells tender blood kiss

insatiable prayers
masturbation rituals
mixed like bones in broth
with intricate sigils and saliva red
menstruum her holy sacrament
that shapeshift crones into young girls prancing
and bind water to stones

her spell can crack your skull
like a mules kick
and melt your eyes
like nuclear skies

no
the witches
they don't take no shit

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Eumolpus

Thu, 2018-11-08 19:34

Eumolpus's picture

I think the language is supercharged and good. Drives the point home.

I'd consider a few things

insatiable prayers
masturbation rituals
mix like bones in broth

that "and" in the middle is awkward in the shape of the poem.

Lastly and I not sure of this, but my instinct is.... why not just "they don't take shit" Why the double negative, street talk, in a poem with which is so elegantly written in the traditional grammar.

I had to look up femdom. cool word.

Please don't give the witches my contact info. Thanks!

..

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

zebra

Sun, 2018-11-11 04:41

zebra's picture

totally about the "and",,,, thank you for that!!!

Lastly and I not sure of this, but my instinct is.... why not just "they don't take shit" Why the double negative, street talk, in a poem with which is so elegantly written in the traditional grammar.

There's something about the mix of the colloquial that excites me like a fire point The gutter and the palace, chilies in the soup. The witches they don't take no shit seems more emphatic than the witches don't take shit , less color An idiosyncratic desire for the abrupt, perhaps, like my personality ;O

on the other hand

the witches
feminists with a wand
made from a femur
wrapped in pubic hair,
fingernails, and spit
no
not good little passive girls
although amused by a good spanking
for laughs that titillate
from a red wicked dicked old man
with slippery fireballs
like a spicy cherry pepper
that slurps filths coves
through a black tongue
and open-mawed bite
femdom's queens
oiled torsos and bond fires
drenched ornaments for laughing snakes
that spread like spider webs
while the whips flash licks
hells tender blood kiss
insatiable prayers
masturbation rituals
mixed like bones in broth
with intricate sigils and saliva red
menstruum her holy sacrament
that shapeshift crones into young girls prancing
and bind water to stones
her spell can crack your skull
like a mules kick
and melt your eyes
like nuclear skies

what do you think?

On one hand its complete with out the colloquialism.
the witches don't take no shit ….is it like a whip, a bit of a sting to the ear?

classical meets Daffy Duck?

These are new considerations for me They come with perplexity,

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