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Kite

Submitted by IRiz on Tue, 2018-10-30 20:05

Girls and seagulls cry on the shore.
Ocean is ready for sunset.
Gold - red, green and orange -
spilled by an invisible reckless hand,
slowly gathers into one road.

It leads
towards the sky, on the quieted waves
breaks many times, and weaves,
and disappears beneath the setting sun.

Night has nested on the big shoulders
of the neglected shadows of trees;
light mantles of darkness
hang on the boulders.
Voices are carried much faster.

Hear my whisper and guide me.
I am a kite
a little crumpled, a little grumpy,
but attached to the world by the thread.
Grab it.
Let’s linger above cooling sand.
I am - bleached by the sun
and slowly dying - one of a kind.
I am in love with seagulls and cold nights.

Fly with me if you can, or simply
hold my thread tight
while I catch an uplifting wind
towards the golden road
disappearing beneath the sun.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
Last few words: 
Please, enjoy my poem. I hope you can fly with me.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

raj

Wed, 2018-10-31 14:10

good personification and imagery in this piece as generally is in your poems....many good poetic lines...best of all and my favorite are:-

Night has nested on the big shoulders
of the neglected shadows of trees;
light mantles of darkness
hang on the boulders.
Voices are carried much faster.

i have used Kite in one of the short stories in vernacular i am writing but as a metaphor in a context that once the thread is cut and lost no one cares because the fun is over ...
....................................................................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

IRiz

Wed, 2018-10-31 14:25

IRiz's picture
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Raj,
thank you for reading.
I think you also had mentioned kites in one of your sunkus, or was it a balloon?

IRiz

author comment

raj

Wed, 2018-10-31 14:36

my pleasure to read IRiz

i faintly recall having used kite or balloon or both...need to recycle memory chip :)
................................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

Geezer

Wed, 2018-10-31 14:49

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portrayal of the end of a day. I'm guessing that it is only that. However, people will read into it what they will. Readers often project into it their own thoughts. My one criticism is that after using many words to describe the coming night, you write that there are [light] mantles of darkness hanging on the boulders.
How about another word such as, soft, heavy, etc. ? Of course, you could delete the word altogether, and not lose any of the meaning of that line. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

IRiz

Wed, 2018-10-31 16:10

IRiz's picture
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Hi Geezer,
Thank you very much for reading.
I was trying to talk about the uplifting wind at the end of the day. Hopefully readers will see more than an evening landscape.
About your suggestion,
I used the word light in a sense of low weight.
It did not occur to me as contradictory.
Let me think about it.

IRiz

author comment

Eumolpus

Thu, 2018-11-01 21:54

Eumolpus's picture

I guess you can do the same of almost anything- a piano, a baseball glove, an umbrella...and each one would have its own magic, like your wonderful poem.
love to see others!

A thought
I think the rhymes in the poem work, but think they would work even better if more formal rather than haphazard rhyme schemes. (shoulders/boulders, leads/weaves, night, tight etc.) Especially in this type of poem, rhymes can be very playful.

Also when doing haphazard form I feel it's really important to end in a rhyme, kinda connects the idea that there are rhymes in the poem.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

IRiz

Thu, 2018-11-01 23:29

IRiz's picture
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Thank you for reading, dear Mark.
I am afraid to use a precise structure,
It has to be impeccable not to look homemade.
Only a few poets can pull the trick.
Not me.

IRiz

author comment

lovedly

Fri, 2018-11-02 00:35

lovedly's picture

nothing more is beautifuller
than the sun set
in hope we all survive to see
another dawn
morn after morn
&when out of Irene
a new poem is born
well done
CEO

IRiz

Fri, 2018-11-02 08:07

IRiz's picture
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Thank you so much

IRiz

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