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Sea Myth

Death, Love's final triumph over matter
a dreamless sea bereft of singing fowl
whose skating progeny as souls take flight
& tearing limbs merge with wings of light

A mariner's caw the crows tattoo
abreast of salt sea souls consumed
beneath a hungry veil her vigils keep
in coils of foam the prisoner's deep

Sailors in squawking marsh tongues
men of sea, wind & sky
Liliths of air, bone & thigh
enchanted oils & foul rank mud
a misting veil twixt earth & God

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
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Not Explicit Content

Comments

a little murky. I like the darkness in it, but need to have some vision here. If one takes it as a comment on the life of a sailor, then it works, but for me, there was nothing deeper. Maybe you could enlighten me? ~ Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

its about the path of the soul beyond this world as much as the sea myths mentioned. I am more comfortable writing free verse. the poems I have currently posted are my attempts at more structured lines. I agree my rhyme is broken.

author comment

and then of course there is the repetition of the word veil that must be changed I'll have to think on that

author comment

this has a really gothic feel to me. I like the connection between death and the imagery surrounding the sea. is it meant to rhyme throughout, or just randomly? I like the flow and the imagery, either way.

its about leaving the physical world behind. and moving on to the next dimension. whatever that maybe I don't have the answers heaven, hell, or just another step on the ladder.

author comment

thanks for reading and bothering to comment

author comment

Yeah the rhyme scheme is really fucked up. Thanks for reading brother

author comment

isn't all that bad. ~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

I'm rubbish at rhymed verse

author comment

hello Dalton,

I like your poem very much. as a substitute word for (veil) how about: cloak, curtain or mantilla?

*love, Cat

*
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And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Dear Poetic friend
Like this very much , I love anything ocean or sea related as it makes for great imagery and metaphors for so many ideas .
I like the rhyming , rhymers might want something more rigid but my personal choice is like free verse with a subtle hint of rhyme that you provide here .The dark imagery works so well and is so vividly expressed related to the leaving of the mortal world for wherever we go next , reminiscent of a scene from a film with an abandoned ship being pirated by death and the spirits departing cos not only do you give the visuals you give great acoustics to match , hope that doesnt sound really silly ! A clever write using your unique poetic talent to create an intriguing piece on transition from life to death , earth to wherever is next
Thank you as always dear poet and dearer friend for suggesting I enjoy this wonderful write usual offer re editing etc applies
M xx

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